Warcraft 3: Reign of Kayos
by WILL THE ALMIGHTY
Summary: If you read on parody this year, read this one. Alright, Chapter 26 has been updated: DUNGEON ADVENTURE! Review if you read, else I'll have to hunt you down. Oh, and if chap 1 doesnt satisfy you, it gets much better as the story progresses.
1. That little voice in Thrall's head

Thrall woke up from a horrible dream. Something about teletubies taking over New York…

"YOU must lead the orcs to Kalimdor!" shouted some random Voice.

"SHUT UP! My head hurts…" replied the war chief Thrall. His head did hurt, but he just wanted to sleep 5 more minutes.

"Do you know how many beers you had?"

"It's the brew master's fault! What were you saying anyway?"

"Just meet me at the top of the hill of convenient plots. And, while you're at it, bring me a Mcburger, I'm hungry."

THRALL walked out of his tent (on his wolf) and rallied some grunts.

"OK, troops…we are now enough to venture out of the camp."

"But we only two. And there are evil thingies outside the camp…"

"Don't question my logic. Anyway, I heard voices in my head… again… and it said to go to some hill and since blizzard pays us so much, we'll go there."

"Do we have to?"

"You are a grunt. Your point in life is to fight for the big chieftain –which is me- and eventually die or get possessed. That and you'll receive 10,000 volts of pure lightning if you disagree. Coming?"

"No."

BZZZZZ!

The grunt is instantly fried while a replacement comes out of a nearby barracks. The party arrives at a flag which goes POOF! and makes pretty lights.

"OOOOH!" say the grunts.

"Look! Murlocs!" says Thrall as he kills the Murlocs.

"You just killed creeps. This earned you experience points. When you have enough, you will level up and be able to spend your skill points." said the Voice.

"Cool. What's a creep?"

"Uh… technical problem gotta go!"

"Let's keep going." (They continue to the next insta-POOF flag, fighting more "creeps" along the way until Thrall is engulfed in more pretty lights)

"OOOOH!" say the grunts.

"OOOOH!" says Thrall.

"OOO- I mean, you just leveled up! Normally you would get a skill point but since we don't want you spending it on crap, you get chain lightning. Use it on those helpless murloc fishermen" says the Voice.

"Isn't that a little immoral?"

"Don't worry; they will eventually reincarnate into the undead or other, probably stronger creeps."

Thrall uses the chain lightning spell on the 4 murlocs and watches as the evil-lightning ray hits them all and electrifies their fishy asses.

"Um… "Fishy asses"? Couldn't you find something else?" asks Thrall

"Deal with it. Or else…" answers the author as he points to his Pimped-up Needler.

Thrall and his party reach the hill of convenient plots where a crow is sitting watching TV and eating popcorn. Then, as it sees Thrall, it changes into Da Prophet (In pretty lights of course).

"You sure took your time… this mission is totally useless!" says Da Prophet.

"The author took way too long on this chapter… idiot…"

"Grrrr… back to the script people…" says the author.

"What is this? A human?"

"Heh, I abandoned my humanity long ago…" answers Da Prophet.

"What are you then?"

"I'm a talking crow, FEAR ME- I mean, the old demons are returning, you must lead your people to the forgotten lands of Kalimdor if you are to survive… but you don't really believe me do you?"

"Me know me don't" says one of the grunts.

"K', I'll go" answers Thrall casually.

"Well this is a first… Anyway, Grom Hellcream got captured by some n00bish footmen. Go rescue him and steal the human ships… blah blah blah… Sea witch blah blah blah…"

THRALL leaves DA PROPHET and rescues Grom Hellcream... steals ships… does all that tutorial crap….

Next Chapter: Lollyron's zombie problem


	2. Lollyron's zombie problem

Morning rose as Arthas came to greet the Paladin Chief, Uther Sparmaker. Strangely, his encampment is actually quite tiny.

"Welcome Prince Arthas, it is an honor for you to be here." greets Uther.

"DAMN RIGHT IT IS! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME MORTALS!" shouts Arthas a little too loud…

"Nice to see you too lad…"

"Yeah right, you didn't even send me a frickin' present in that Paladin camp. Do you know how much its boring over there? They wanted me to give up my beautiful blond hair!"

"Look, you came here to complete the mission. Stop complaining and let me explain" replied Uther, obviously used to Arthas's personality. "The Orcs have set up a parking lot near the left of this minimap and are deploying more and more troops as we speak."

"That isn't so bad."

"But they're building a Wal-Mart near it…"

Arthas and pretty much everyone else in the camp gasp.

"Their troops are dangerously close to the village of Strahnbrad. We have to go save the villagers there." continues Uther.

"So I just go there and beat stuff up?" asks Arthas.

"This is the bad news: you have to pass the human training quest."

"NOOOOO! I won't! I'll just use my secret weapon: allyourbasearebelongto-"

Arthas is stopped by a huge needler pointed to his blond head.

"No cheating!" says the author.

"Can I at least get warpten?"

"2000 gold and you can."

"That's outrageous!" complains Arthas. "I'll take it."

Several minutes later, Arthas is standing in front of his new army of five.

"Great, now that I have five of what is probably the worst unit of this game, I feel much safer." complains Arthas. Again.

"But sir, we have a great ability called defend." says one of the footmen.

"Don't care. Loser…"

"We have a personality, you know." says another footman. He points to one of his fellow footmen. "See Timmy here?"

"PH33R MY L33T 5K1LL5!" shouts Timmy. "M3 1S T3H N00B K1LL3R!"

"Right…"

The 6-men army marches (yes, marches) to the bridge that is supposed to lead to Strahnbrad until they are approached by a villager and his particularly blue tinted wife.

"Please sir, help me find my shiny book! Some random bandits came by and stole it from me to sell it on eBay!" explains the villager. "It has this skull sign on it and can reanimate the dead. You can't miss it."

"Why do you even need this book? You can't read!" replies Arthas obviously not realizing that the villager was a necromancer. "Look, I gotta go kill orcs. Leave me alone."

Arriving at Strahnbrad, they see a nearly dead villager running away from grunts. Moments later, the grunts kill him.

"Ha, me is the killer!" shouts the grunt in victory.

"Look, footmen, a grunt! The unit which is supposed to be like you but is way better and much more useful!" complains Arthas.

The footmen (followed by Arthas) fight the two grunts. Though the footmen are five and the orcs two, the grunts seem to be much more superior to the shiny armored footmen who, even with their better looking sword and equipment, are losing… Five minutes later, two footmen have survived and one of them is bleeding to death. They continue on and eventually arrive near the slave master.

"You fools! You cannot defeat me, the great slave master!" shouts the orc. "I have already taken away the villagers and there is nothing, NOTHING you can do to stop us! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

There is a long silence as one of the orcs accompanying the slave master whispers something to his superior.

"WHAT?" shouts the slave master. "I DO NOT SPEAK TOO LOUD! AND WHAT IS THIS ABOUT ME MONOLOGUING!"

"Let's get this over with." impatiently says Arthas. The last two footmen fall during this particularly loud combat but Arthas, with his mighty hammer of doom, survives the encounter. About 4 villagers have been saved. On 250 villagers, this wouldn't be so bad…

"Thank you, Milord." Thanks a random villager.

"But what will happen to the others who were taken away?" asks a random villager kid.

"Uh… how to explain this to a kid? Uh… You see, when two people love each other very much… They… get married and… uh… eventually orcs will come and take them and… they'll have a horrible bloody death." answers Arthas as the kid starts crying.

"You're not good with words are you?" says Uther joining them. "Anyway, you are to meet with Miss Jaina Proudmoose to investigate the plague."

"Jaina!" says Arthas as he starts dreaming of that wonderful day when he met her… and got a little ahead on their relationship.

I now realize chapters with zombie in the title should have zombies in them. Too late.


	3. Ravages of the poisonous pickles

Chapter 3: Ravages of the poisonous pickles (what did you think they were for?)

"Sir, we've been waiting here for hours. Are you sure this friend of yours is coming?" asks the captain to Arthas.

"Uh… Not really. But she usually runs a little late." Answers Arthas, surprisingly calm.

Suddenly, as if on cue, Jaina Proudmoose, runs out of a nearby clearing, followed by two giant ogres.

"We must help her!" shouts the captain.

"Don't worry, she can take care of herself" says Arthas.

Jaina fights as much as she can but the two ogres have the advantage.

"HEY! LOSERS! LEVEL 1 SEXY ARCHMAGE IN NEED OF HELP AGAINST TWO LEVEL 10 OGRES!" shouts Jaina.

"Sir, she's losing! We have to help her!" warns the captain.

"You'll see, she'll win"

"ARTHAS, I… AM… DYING… HERE!" shouts Jaina. This goes on for minutes until the author has to take care of the two creeps himself. This involves blood, explosions and purple bazooka-missile-sized needles penetrating the skin of the two creeps and eventually exploding them into tiny pieces of flesh.

Two minutes later…

"Ok, men. I'd like you to meet Jaina Proudmoose: special agent of the CIA- I mean, Kirin Tor and one of the most talented witches you can find" explains Arthas.

"For the last time, its sorceress not witch" says Jaina. "Anyway, rumor has it that the plague originated around these parts"

They walk on and meet a few villagers.

"Milord, the bridge to the other side of the river has collapsed; you'll have to go through the marches. Also, villagers have not been returning from the grocery store on the other side. We think they got killed on the way there." says one of the villagers.

"Why'd they go there? Can't they see that sign?" asks Jaina. The sign says:

**Trespassers will be shot,**

**Survivors will be shot again.**

**Signed, your murloc neighbors.**

"I guess we'll have to go through the murlocs…" says the Captain.

"We could also go back home, you know" suggests Arthas.

They fight (right, if you can call it a fight) through the murloc camps and eventually reach a group of footmen. Before they get a chance to say something, five skeletons pop (yes, POP) out of the ground. The skeletons start chopping the footmen with their chainsaws and other cliché zombie weapons.

"Holy crap, skeletons! MOVING SKELETONS!" shouts the captain.

"They could beat us up really easily…" says Jaina. "Let's let the footmen do their job…"

They go around the bloody battle, leaving the footmen to die (Oh well, it was for a good cause… right?). The group arrives near a stinky green factory. Strange hooded men are dancing and chanting around a totem and a glowing necromancer is reciting some strange words… something along the lines of Celine Dion's Titanic song.

"Look, an infected pickle factory! Maybe this is what caused the plague: the pickles look corrupted" points out Jaina. "This is bad, these pickle crates have the FedEx emblem on it… and FedEx delivers everything in Lollyron!"

"Sorry I can't stay and chat, I have to go… do my business" says the necromancer, running to the nearest toilet.

Suddenly, a giant flood form jumps out of the totem and some of the acolytes turn into more flood forms. But, saving the day as usual, Master Chief- I mean, the author jumps out of nowhere and joins the fight against the flood forms.

"Oh my God!" shouts Arthas, pointing to something terrible: "IT'S THE ABOMINABLE FLESH MAN!"

"It looks like it was sewed from different corpses…" says Jaina.

"Lets study it **after** we kill it, OK?" suggests Arthas.

"No way, I want to study now!"

They fight on for what seems a long time but the flood forms and the abominable flesh man keep coming back…

"It's the necromancer, he's bringing them back every time we kill one!" points out Jaina.

"This should take him out… It kills any bad person!" says Arthas, using his Holy light spell on the toilet. The toilet disappears but the necromancer is still standing.

Everyone, including the flood forms, turn to the necromancer. There is a long silence.

"Master, why are you not dead?" asks one of the remaining acolytes.

"What? Why is everyone staring at me?" asks the necromancer (I'm getting tired of typing that so I'll just say Kel'thuzad). "So I help an old lady cross the street once in a while, does that make me a good person?"

"I guess the scout badges and the peace on Earth t-shirts should have tipped me off…" says the acolyte.

During this disturbing moment, Arthas and the rest of the human troops, with some (if not huge) help from the author, destroy nearly all of the undead. They move on to Kel'Thuzad and when he is about to die…

"NOOOO! My death will mean nothing in the long run…" says Kel'Thuzad who, milliseconds later, dies.

"Your death doesn't mean anything at all..." says Arthas.

They burn the corrupted pickle factory and are about to leave the undead camp when they hear the author whispering something to Kel'thuzad.

"Oh, right!" says the necromancer. "Follow the yellow brick road- I mean, there's a dreadlord named Mal-something. He's at that city I don't know the name of if you need to see him. Kill him and you can end this crap of a campaign."

**Wow… I just hope I got better since the first chapter… thanks for the reviews everyone.**

Somewhere between chapter three and chapter four…

In a place that looks like heaven or at least what most people think it looks like, there is a giant line of creatures (more commonly called creeps) leading to… I have no idea what. The view focuses on two ogres.

"Hey, Burt?" asks one of them.

"What, Furt?" asks Burt.

"You ever wonder where this line goes? We've been queuing for ages but I don't see the end of it" says Furt. "And I'm sick of seeing these murloc fishermen in front of me!"

"Actually, I'm wondering why that author killed us… What did we do anyway? We were just getting rid of another human." points out Burt. "I thought some blond guy was supposed to save her?"

"Where did you see that?"

"You didn't see it because you didn't read the script…"

(Long silence)

"We should get back on that author" said Furt.

"Yeah, maybe sue him…"

"No, I mean hit him. Hit him hard!"

"We can't do it alone."

(Long silence)

"Let's recruit those creeps!"

And so the two ogres began working on their evil plot…

**I realized I messed up the story in chapter 3 so I decided to mess it up even more! Another thing is I may update chapter 4 but don't expect anything else for the entire summer because I do not have internet at home and I will not be able to update. (Don't worry, I'll work on this parody and another serious story)**


	4. March of the scourge

Chapter 4: March of the scourge

Arriving to a human base near that city I don't know the name of… let's call it Hiroshima (because it is going to get exterminated soon).

"Finally a place where we can rest!" says Jaina. Then she notices some riflemen and footmen running between two points while attacking basically nothing… "It looks like they're preparing for battle."

"What? This little ritual? No, this is just a way for the programmers to make this scene look better but they seem to always end up making things look worse…" points out Arthas.

A footman approaches them.

"Sir last night a GAGILLION undead rose out of nowhere and started attacking villages at random! They've established a VERY SMALL base near here but I don't think they're preparing an attack." says the footman.

"Are you sure this base isn't going to be a problem?"

"Um… yes?"

"I'll check…" says Arthas, using Iseedeadpeople. He gasps, the tiny human encampment is completely surrounded by undead and their base stretches to the borders of the minimap… "How do they build so fast!"

**FLASHBACK**

"_No cheating!" says the author._

"_Can I at least get warpten?"_

"_2000 gold and you can."_

"_That's outrageous!" complains Arthas. "I'll take it."_

**END FLASHBACK**

"0MG! U F0RG07 70 7AK3 0FF WARP73N!" l33ts the footman.

"Oops?"

"Arthas, you dumbass! If Blizzard didn't pay me so much I would…" starts Jaina.

"What? Squirt me with your elemental? Give me some mana regeneration bonus? MASS TELEPORT ME? Make yourself useful and go get Uther"

"Why Uther?"

"BECAUSE THERE'S A GIANT ARMY OF FLESH EATING ZOMBIES ABOUT TO MASSACRE US!" shouts Arthas, foaming at his mouth. Jaina had already used her teleport spell to get to the paladin camp.

When she is gone, Arthas notices a few empty crates with a FedEx emblem on them.

"Wait, what did these crates contain?"

"Some strange brown pickles with flies following them. Don't worry; we already distributed them to EVERYONE in the camp" says the unlucky footman. "Sir, why are you sweating? Why is your face turning red? Are you okay, sir?"

Arthas was foaming again, veins were popping out of his face and his eyes were turning a bright red.

5 minutes later…

The bloody, dismembered corpse of the footman was already rotting away near what was left of the zombies that had spawned. There was a strange silence in the camp. After seeing the Prince massacring the poor footman and killing the zombies with a strength he never had before, the undead army had stopped sending units.

25 minutes later…

Uther jumped out of nowhere followed by Jaina.

"What took you so long!" says Arthas.

"One of my students crashed my car so I went to fix it." Answers Uther. "That and it was break time"

"Well, we should be heading to Hiroshima now… "

"I wonder why it's called Hiroshima anyway?" asked Jaina to no one in particular.

**

* * *

**

**NOTE: I realize this was a short, not so funny chapter I've got a lot to do recently so I didn't want to miss out on those… things…**


	5. The CENSORED BY THE FCC

**Chapter 5: The CENSORED**

Arthas was standing on a conveniently placed hill overlooking Hiroshima. Uther and Jaina were entering the encampment…

"Good, you made it!" said Arthas. "Listen Uther, there's something about the plague you should know…"

"It turns people into zombies?"

"Um… yeah… about that, all these villagers have been infected. They may look fine now but trust me; their heads are going to be doing 360's in a few minutes."

"That's terrible" gasped Uther.

"Yes it is. That's why I figured an ingenious plan to get rid of that infection."

"What is it?" asked Jaina.

"We storm the village with 1942 British tanks."

"You could just nuke the place you know" pointed out Jaina.

(Long silence)

"What?" asked Jaina. "Oh, right I'm the nice peaceful girl… uh… ah, screw it, KILL THEM ALL!"

"STOP! I won't let you! Arthas, have you lost your mind!" shouted Uther.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Arthas. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"I can't let you do that!" said Uther.

"Then I must consider this an act of treason…" said Arthas in a… dark voice…

"Watch your tone boy, you may be prince but I'm still your superior as a Paladin"

"You're fired."

"Ah, crap…"

Uther got out of the camp, followed by Jaina.

"Jaina, why would you want to miss all the action?" asked Arthas.

"Sorry, as much as I like killing innocent villagers infected by a plague that turns them into zombies and stopping an evil dreadlord from acquiring a gigantic undead army, I think I'll stick with the actual script…"

"But WHY!"

"Seven billion gold per year, that's why! See ya later, Arthas!" answered Jaina right before taking her Ferrari Enzo out of the camp.

The prince proceeded to arm the footman with AK-47s and everyone else with a LAW rocket launcher.

Meanwhile, in Hiroshima…

Johnny was taking his regular, pickle-filled supper when he heard a noise.

"Honey, did you hear that?" he asked to his wife.

"Hear what?"

"Mommy, I don't wanna eat my pickles!" said Timmy, Johnny's son. "They're all disgusting and gross…"

"Eat your pickles, dear, they're good for you."

"Hey, I hear something! Sounds like machinery!" said Johnny.

"Don't worry dear; we're in a medieval game. Machinery doesn't exist!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The house, or at least what's left of it, was then rolled over by Arthas in a 1942 Sherman tank. Arthas was having fun blowing random stuff up when a cinematic began…

"Greetings young prince, I am Mal'Ganis!" said a green dreadlord.

"WHAT!" shouted Arthas from the other side of the village.

"I SAID: GREETINGS YOUNG PRINCE I AM MAL'GANIS!"

"SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"I SAID: **I AM MAL'GANIS!**"

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, NO NEED TO SHOUT YOU KNOW!"

"I already hate that kid…" said Mal'Ganis before proceeding to his daily zombie collecting.

_Quest Update: _

_-kill 100 000 000 000 000 000 000 zombies._

_-don't let Mal'Ganis collect 5 zombies._

"Shit, this is going to take a while… Bring out the Enola Gay" commanded Arthas to a pilot. "Remind me again why we named it Enola GAY?"

"I'm getting married to my co-pilot next week" answered the pilot. Many cheers could be heard from the troops deployed…

"I'm a man, you know" said the co-pilot. Even more cheers were heard…

"Alright, men, get the heck out of here if you hold on to your life. Everyone except the footmen" commanded Arthas.

"1 h473 U 51r…" l33ted Timmy.

"I hate you even more soldier. Now go destroy the undead base."

"0k 51r…"

The Enola Gay departed. There was a big boom and a giant green mushroom could be seen over Hiroshima. The Enola Gay came back. As you can see, I didn't have much imagination for this part so… here are two tap-dancing sheep to entertain you while I think of what will happen next…

"What have we done?" said the co-pilot.

"Didn't you look?" said the pilot. "We just dropped the world's first A-bomb. How the hell could you miss this! You don't care about what we do together do you! That's it, the marriage is off!"

"I'm sorry…"

(Long silence)

"Ok, I forgive you" said the pilot. They happily ever after and had a lot of children. Actually, disregard that last part about children…

Cinematic time…

Arthas appears near Mal'Ganis.

"Are you Mal'Ganis?" asked Arthas.

"No, I'm Rosie O'donnell! Who do you think I am!" said Mal'Ganis sarcastically.

"Bessie Smith?"

"No"

"Michael Jackson?"

"No"

"Jim Carey!"

"NO"

"Chuck Norris?"

"No, he's busy being in another fanfic."

"Oh, then you're…"

"I'M MAL'GANIS DAMNIT!" shouted Mal'Ganis. "But please, call me Mal'"

Mal'Ganis' cell phone rang just as Arthas was about to attack him.

"Hold on, I gotta take this…" said Mal'Ganis. "Hey, Ner'Zhul, my man! Bad news?... Oh… Ok… Yeah, I'll him… Ok, bye." He hang up. "Sorry, kid, I need to go to the freezing lands of Siberia. Let's kill each other there ok? Much more dramatic." He finished right before disappearing.

"DAMN YOU, MAL, I'll FOLLOW YOU TO THE END OF THE EARTH IF I HAVE TO! YOU HEAR THAT!"

"51r, h3'5 47 7h3 07h3r 3nd 0f 7h15 w0rld, h3 c4n'7 h34r U" said Timmy.

"I DON'T CARE I NEED TO YELL AT NOTHING OR I'LL… never mind, weren't you supposed to be on a suicide mission- I mean, razing the undead base?"

"1 d13d" answered Timmy before floating up to the heavens. Several minutes later, he dropped to Hell because he l33t3d all the time. See kids? L33t is bad!

"That was… weird…"

And the happy psychopath went to the freezing lands of Greenland- I mean, Siberia.

**Meanwhile…**

"Good news Furt!" said Burt.

"What Burt?"

"I recruited all the creeps!"

"Good job!" congratulated Furt.

(Long silence)

"How do we get out of here now?" asked Burt.

Suddenly, a giant airplane burst through the… floor or clouds? Let's say clouds that hold up the people in the line of creeps. Two guys walk out of the airplane. Those guys die. The creeps go near the plane. The airplane had made a huge hole.

"So… Furt, how do we make this thing go down?"

"We could ask a goblin technician"

"Or we could just jump down that hole…"

"Ok"

**To be continued…**


	6. The really short chapter 6

Chapter 6: The really short chapter 6 

Jaina was amongst the ruins of Hiroshima.

"So much death…I can't believe I missed this!" she said.

"What? This? This isn't Hiroshima." Said the author, coming out of nowhere. "Look around, does this look at all like the city in Chapter 5?"

"Good point, I can see a few cathedrals that weren't there before… and how could these villagers have survived?" says Jaina while looking at one of those villagers carrying corpses.

"We're making a pile of bodies. I don't know why, I'm just programmed to do this until Da Prophet arrives…" answers the villager.

"Jaina! Jaina Proudmoose!" shouts Uther. He stops close to Jaina then looks at the author questioningly: "Who's this?"

"Uh… you didn't see anything…" says the author while subtly getting out of there in a flying Scarab. VERY subtly. And if you don't believe me, then the scarab was flashy green. Hope that proves something, at least.

"Anyway, where's Arthas? Where did he take the troops?" asks Uther.

"He e-mailed me before he left… he went to Canada. He's hunting Mal'Ganis in the freezing lands of Canada!"

"I thought it was Siberia?"

"Now, its Canada."

"Why?"

(Long Silence)

"Uh… Don't be too hard on yourself girl, you had nothing to do with this slaughter."

"I kind of wish I did though…" says Jaina. Uther leaves Stratholm (I found the name!).

Then, a crow arrives. The crow's wings are on fire and it crashes on Jaina. Then it makes pretty lights and changes into (Cheesy music) DA PROPHET.

"Don't be fooled, the young Prince will find only death in Canada." Says Da Prophet.

"You're the guy from Chapter 1! I'm Jaina-"

"I know who you are so say what you're supposed to say"

"You… Arthas is only doing what he believes is right!" defends Jaina.

"Oh please, he dropped an atomic bomb on a city of perfectly innocent villagers with a ship named Enola Gay and crossed over to Canada illegally! That's four of the best ways to piss off the United Nations! We've got enough to worry about with Iran nuclear technology and Al-Qaeda attacks, now we have to deal with a psychopath blond pretty-boy from a medieval video game that the producers won't make a damn sequel of!"

That made Jaina shut up. So much in fact she won't say anything else until the Orc campaign.

"Anyway, you must lead the humans to Kalimdor if you are to escape the… never mind, go to Kalimdor: They've got good food there." Seeing Jaina not react on this he added: "and cars. They've got really good looking cars"

And with that he took off. And hit a lamppost on the way.

**(author's note) I'm from Canada (Quebec to be more precise) so don't tell me I'm being mean and offensive to Canadians. I just thought it would be funnier than Siberia. Mostly because I don't know anything about Siberia, other then its cold.**


	7. The shores of Canada

Chapter 7: The Shores of Canada 

"This is a light forsaken land isn't it? You can barely even see the sun. This wind cuts to the bone and you're not even shaking milord." Says the captain to Arthas.

"Neither are you."

"You're right, Canada's cold but not that cold."

"Anyway, are all the ships accounted for?" asks Arthas.

"There were only a few ships lost…"

"How many?"

"Fifteen actually." Answers the captain.

"How many did we have again?" asks Arthas.

"Fifteen and a half"

(Long silence)

"I'm not even going to ask how we got here then. Our first objective is to find a gold mine. Keep close, you never know what might attack you here… beavers… mounted cops… Celine Dion…" says Arthas, shaking at that last name.

So the happy troops, now scared to death, walk away. They fight abnormally large wolves and caribous on the way but when they turn a completely random corner… They get attacked by fiendish and horribly savage creatures.

"OMG! MONTREAL CANADIANS FANS!" shouts one of the soon-to-die footmen before getting crushed by a hockey stick. Of course, no one survives the encounter except Arthas (but since he becomes a wuss when he's alone) fifty pimped-up footmen pop out of nowhere and crush all resistance while shouting the cliché sentence "resistance is futile!".

Anyway, they finally arrive at the conveniently placed gold mine.

"What now sir?" shouts the miraculously alive captain.

"I don't know. I never thought we'd get this far…" says Arthas. "You, Peasant! Move in that direction."

The Peasant obeys but only makes it a few meters before getting shot dead.

"Bloody hell, you're not undead, you're alive!" shouts a dwarven warrior.

"Not anymore…" says the dead peasant.

"Yeah, we're not undead. For now anyways…" says Arthas.

"I didn't know you'd be the one coming to rescue us!" says Muradin.

"Muradin, I didn't even know you were here. No one ever talked about a rescue mission."

"You realise this makes me really pissed now, don't you?" says Muradin reproachfully. "Anyway, I got soldiers that need saving and you're going to help me. Then I'll help you kill Mal'Ganis."

"How do you know about Mal'Ganis?" asks Arthas.

"I'm a fan of the author. I just wish he'd hurry up and write more about Furt and Burt."

NEW UNIT: Gyrocopters give the word "sucks" a new meaning. They have a tiny air attack, an even worse land attack and are fragile as if they were made of plastic (which they are). Their only advantage is they are fast and see invisible units. But who cares?

They keep going, get to Muradin's troops and… well, save them. What else? You think just because this is a parody I'm going to mess up everything? You want someone to die? There. (footman dies) You happy now? Or do you want me to insert something funny here? If I could have, I would have so I'm just going to say-

"Get on with the story damnit!" says Muradin. The now saved units become controllable and Arthas looks at what he got.

NEW UNIT: Rifleman are actually okay. They hit pretty hard, can target air units. But they have a very dirty mouth. You can barely understand what they say because it just sounds like screaming. But they have a gun so I guess that helps. Does it?

NEW UNIT: Steam Tanks are pretty useless. They only hit buildings and even then they suck. I mean, look at them! This has got to be the cheapest model ever.

"All right, lets go level Mal's base." Commands Arthas.

They level the base with their old units, because the new units sucked. Did you actually like them? Don't answer that.

"Alright Muradin, what were you doing up here anyway?" asks Arthas

"We were looking for a really cool sword. One that talks and makes people go crazy. But the closer we got to it, the more Canadians we encountered. And undead. But mostly Canadians."

"Sir, we found no trace of Mal'Ganis" says the Captain.

"Damnit… I was hoping I could finish this quickly…"

Next Chapter: Dissension (?)


	8. Dissenssion whatever that means

**Chapter 8 : Dissension (what the?)**

A goblin zeppelin lands at the camp, catching the captain's eye... not litteraly, thi sisn't Kill Bill... The zeppelin drops a priest with glowing eyes. And before you ask, there is no pedophile priest jokes in this parody. That's just immature. OR IS IT!

"I'm sorry, the prince is on an errand, buying food at the grocery store." Points out the captain.

"No matter, Lord Uther convinced the King to recall this expedition. You're going home to fight more undead." Informs the emissary.

"We're to just pick up and leave?"

"First of all: why the hell not? Second of all: that wouldn't be so hard if you had thought of putting the ships at the same place."

"Oh yeah… that would have been bright…" The emissary left the troops to deal with getting to their ships. The footmen could have taken mortar teams and broken down the trees with explosives but instead they take two peasants and order them to chop down the trees. Its a wonder the human troops survived this long...

1.572 seconds later…

"Captain, why are the guards not at their posts?" asks Arthas.

"Uther got your father to recall this expedition."

"DAMNIT, if my men leave me, nobody will believe me when I say I killed Mal'Ganis alone! The ships must be burned so they have to stay with me and DIE! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Isn't that a bit much lad?" asked Muradin.

"Nonsense, I am a very reasonable man."

"You just told me you would burn your ships so you can't get away. To me that's a lot." Replies Muradin.

"What? YOU AGAINST ME OR SOMETHING! THAT'S IT, YOU MUST BURN!" shouts Arthas, lighting Muradin on fire. But, seeing as fire is so cheap in Warcraft, the fire extinguished itself with a leaf.

"Um, sir, I'm right here, hearing everything you said…" points out the captain.

"THEN YOU MUST DIE!" shouts Arthas, hitting the captain and effectively killing him (finally, youd think hes and important character and all but he doesn't have a name. Its just "the captain", how original...)

They leave the camp with two mortar teams. Again, just two, even though common sense would tell anyone, even the ignorant prince, that bringing only two mortars into an army of creeps and undead is almost suicidal... Almost.

NEW UNIT: mortar teams are very useful. They hit hard, and make a cool mushroom-shaped explosion. The only problem with them is they are small and are very… concerned about this problem. Did that make you laugh? Cause if it did, you are probably drunk or under the effects of illicit substances. Just remember, say no to drugs. (this message was brought to you by the governement of Canada (A troll warrior in a uniform comes out and says: "don't be a fool mon, Vote Harper over Cretin in 2005!"))

"We can't do this with just two other men. Lets go buy slaves- I mean, mercenaries near that randomly placed and totally off-topic mercenary camp" points out Arthas. Buying everything after using Greedisgood 1000000 ( useful word isn't it?). They wind up with two Montreal hockey fans, one abnormally large beaver and five mounted police. And a talking pie from my imagination who just got eaten by me… (Oh my god, I ate someone! Oh no, its just a pie. (Silence) Oh my God, I ate a pie!)

They battle through ferocious giant 200 year-old trees, maple syrup stands and Simple Plan fans that scream like Banshees. Seriously, what's so great about Simple Plan? Their songs all sound the same and their singer sings like… ok, back to the story.

3672 seconds later (I dare you to count that in hours and minutes!)…

"Prince Arthas?" asks a random human troop, seeing Arthas standing near what was left of the ships, more accurately, he saw nothing since the ships were sunk to the bottom of the Hudson Bay.

"Oh crap, didn't see this one coming… Uh, look, Canadians! _They_ burned your boats. Quickly, kill them all in the name of Lollyron!" says Arthas, pointing to his mercenaries and chanting South Park's "Blame Canada" song.

"I'm beginning to think you're being way too mean to Canadians." Says the Author, coming out of the nothingness that is… nothing…

"Why do you care?"

"I'm Canadian."

"You're the one writing this fanfic anyway!"

"The American readers need this kind of comedy. But just so everyone knows, I am going to tell them now:

EVERY COMMENT IN THIS FANFIC IS BASED ON NOTHING. CANADA IS A VERY FUN PLACE AND HAS **_VERY LITTLE_** IF NOT NOTHING IN COMMON WITH WHAT IS WRITTEN ANDOR WILL BE WRITTEN IN THIS PARODY. DON'T SUE ME FOR INSULTING CANADA, BECAUSE IT IS ONLY REPRESENTED THIS WAY FOR THE SAKE OF COMEDY. I REPEAT, **_DON'T SUE ME FOR THIS!_**"

"So… what now?" asks Arthas.

"You go find frostmourne. Hurry up, I'm nearly done with this part."

Next Chapter: Excalibu- I mean, Frostmourne


	9. Frostmourne

Chapter 9 : Frostmourne 

"You lied to your men and betrayed the Canadians who fought for you! What's happening to you Arthas? Is vengeance all that matters to you!" asks Muradin

"Yes." Answers Arthas. "But spare me Muradin, you weren't there to see what Mal'Ganis did to my homeland."

"Just so you know, your homeland is recovering very well, and I DID see what happened and believe me, that wasn't much." Shot back Muradin. Then a bell rings and every troop turns to completely random points, pretending to panic. "This looks bad, we're completely surrounded! OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE! AUTHOR, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!"

About a kilometer north…

"This is how it ends, boy! With only death to sing the tale of your doom… wait a minute, this script sucks! Isn't death and doom the same thing? And how the hell can Arthas hear me from over here!" asks Mal'Ganis.

"Because of Blizzards logic: it doesn't matter if its horrible, just do it." Answers a necromancer.

About a kilometer south…

"Screw the Author, help me claim Frostmourne. If its as powerful as you says, then I may have a chance at killing Mal'Ganis."

"You do realize there's a giant undead army between you and him, right?"

"I don't care, I only need to kill Mal'Ganis. Mal'Ganis is all I want. MAL'GANIS" says Arthas.

They lead troops to the waygate, then go through it and wind up in Quebec, the French part of Canada.

"Wow… I thought Canada was bad, but this… this is… well… so they speak French here?" asks Arthas.

"Yes, but they have a really big accent…"

They fight their way through poutines (get Gourmet to know what it is) and finally reach a group of bored revenants.

"Turn back, mortal. Only death awaits you in this forsaken vault" says the biggest revenant.

"I thought there was a sword there?"

"Oh, you're here for that… you'll need a reservation with Ner'zhul to get in."

"I didn't go through all that just for this. I've got a kingdom to save!"

"Ok, get in."

(Long Silence)

"That's it? So we don't fight?" asks Arthas.

"Do you really want to? I'm bored, I've been sitting here for 10 000 years and frankly, I'm about to get my vacation with my family so I don't want to die…"

"You're married?"

"Of course, here's her picture!" says the revenant, taking out a picture of a pink revenant with fluffy blond hair accompanied by two little revenants. "Aren't they cute?"

"Yeah… Can I go through now?"

"Sure" answers the revenant, leading them into the vault.

The vault is just a big hole in the ground, and in the middle of it is a sword stuck in a stone, marked with Excalibur. The revenant quickly replaces the Excalibur sign with a cheaper wood-made sign with Frostmourne on it.

"Behold, Muradin, MY salvation! I have made it here! ME!"

"Hold on, lad. There's a price tag on the sword… it says

"whomsoever takes up this sword is either a complete dumbass or Arthas himself. If it is Arthas then know that this sword talks and will drive you mad. But go ahead and take it…

**Signed, Ner'Zhul (Dark Lord #37491)**

PS: If it is a complete dumbass… that'll be 120$"

"I knew it, the blade is costy! We better get out of here and find another!" says Muradin.

"No way, I've gone psychotic, you can't stop me. Besides, you're supposed to die after this..." says Arthas, approaching the blade. He kneels down and raises his hands to the sky dramatically. "Now, I call out to the spirits of this place, I will do anything, just to kill Mal'Ganis. And save my people. But mostly kill Mal'Ganis."

"Arthas, I only said the blade costs a lot, nothing about spirits"

"Oh… I feel embarrassed."

"Don't worry, kid. You're not the first" points out the Revenant.

Arthas goes through various stretching exercises, irritating Muradin and the Revenant. Fifteen minutes later, he pulls out the sword and it goes flying through the air, landing in Arthas' hand.

"Good, now we can…" Suddenly, a portal appears and out comes Darth Sion. Sion effectively cuts Muradin in pieces before going back into his portal.

"You'll thank me for this later…" says Sion. "PAIN!"

"I've got my sword, now lets go"

Five minutes later…

Arthas comes out of the waygate and walks to the middle of the base.

"Sir, where's Muradin?" asks a footman.

"Dead" answers Arthas. "Get the troops ready, we will be killing Mal'Ganis' forces soon."

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Can we skip the battle scene? I'm pretty sure the readers can imagine you slicing up undead with that really badass sword there."

"What, this? This sword sucks, it only gives me a chaos attack and life steal! I have no idea why I bothered to get it in the first place. Talk about wasting my life…"

Skipping boring base scene…

"So, you've taken up Frostmourne at the expense of your comrades lives? I can't believe how much my job was easy!" says Mal'Ganis.

"I can't hear you. I only hear the voice of my sword now."

"The Dark Lord is brainwashing you. He speaks to you through the blade you… this script sucks."

"Tell me about it… I'm in all the campaigns."

"I feel your pain." Sympathizes Mal'Ganis. "So… What does the Dark Lord of the dead tell you now?"

"To finish this shit of a campaign…"

"NO, how can he-" shouts Mal' before engaging Arthas. The two fight at a cliché speed and can't be seen (because they move so fast (OOOH! Dragon Ball Z ANIMATIONS!)) just when they stop and Arthas yells: KAMEHAMEHA!"

Everything around Arthas goes up in ridiculously large explosions while this poorly animated anime uses the worst line it could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yells Mal'Ganis before, finally, dying.

2 seconds later… Arthas runs away while the screen turns to black.

**Maddened by Frostmourne's voice, Arthas went berserk, killed everyone he saw and lost what was left of his tiny brain. This turned out to be great scripts for movies such as Prince Arthas: Portrait of a madman and The Traitor Prince : A Dark History.**

**Meanwhile, in Lollyron, King Terenas dies of a heart attack and Arthas buys an undead cow.**


	10. The Wonderful World of BNet

Chapter 10 : Hey, I made it!- I mean, looking through the residue of a fire or a body that has been combusted, leaving a small black powder sometimes associated to how Phoenix relive because, Phoenix relive from their ashes which is a small residue left after combustion but you already knew that, right, I just told you… well, what could I say to make this longer… oh, I know, I watched 24 yesterday and it was very good even though I prefer Lost and are you still reading? Loser… go play KotOR…

NOTE: The name has nothing to do with what is to follow.

REAL chapter 10: The wonderful world of Bnet…

Burt and Fart woke up in a cage. Looking forward, they could see a path lined with tall structures.

"Uh… Where are we?" asked Burt.

"I don't know… we must have-" Before Furt could answer, the gates in front of him opened and words appeared before them saying LEVEL 10: Ogres. "Quick, Burt, let's make a run for it!"

They ran as far as they could only to be attacked by the tall structures. The towers were launching missiles in their direction.

"UH! IT BURNS! WHAT KIND OF HELL IS THIS!" screamed Furt, still running.

"Look! A sign!" Burt pointed to a sign. It said: This TD was made by WILLTHEALMIGHTY

The two made it to the end with only a few Hit Points left.

"We made it! We're free!"

Suddenly, more words appeared on the screen:

WILLTHEALMIGHTY: I can't believe we lost! You n00bs!

DARTHKAYOS: You're the n00b, you took the wrong race you dumbass!

ELFOFLORIEN: Calm down damnit, the difficulty was set to Hell, were you expecting to last long?

BURT: What are they saying Furt?

FURT: I THINK THIS IS THE AUTHOR WE WERE TRYING TO KILL! QUICK GET HIM!

The two tried to make it but ended up in total darkness again. They woke up in another game. The area is separated into four corners, each one with three castles. Footman rage around killing each other.

"What is this?" asked Furt.

"It seems we've entered a parallel world where entire armies of footmen are created for the sole purpose of annihilating each other and eventually get more money to get an enhanced castle, only to create more units, doomed to die by the hands of one of their own…" answered Burt. "My intelligence is hurting"

"Well, hello there, little new players!" said a mysterious voice.

"Holy…"

"Yes, it is I! The great master: Mike Myers!"

"I never could have guessed… what do we do? Ô mighty comedy king?"

"I am going to make you graduate n00b school! That's right, you will turn from a total ignorant to an uber player! Follow me to my hideout game…" says Mike, getting into his England-painted car.

The newly-formed trio arrive into a game of DotA, one of the classics of Bnet. No one is around.

"You two are going to try and beat me in this game. But, just to be fair, if I don't beat you in 10 minutes, then you get to move on!"

"Uh, ok?"

Select a hero:

"Burt? I'm having trouble choosing one of these guys… I kinda like the green glowy one and that cow-man…" said Furt.

"Just choose one!"

Five minutes later…

"FURT! WOULD YOU JUST CHOOSE ONE ALREADY!"

"I'm hesitating…"

"Alright boys, I beat the crap out of you" said Mike. "Now, come on here, I have a few tips for you… Furt, you gotta choose one in less than 30 seconds, they're all the same anyway. Burt, don't yell at your team mates. You sucked too."

After a few thousand tries, Mike Myers lets the two ogres last 10 minutes and 01 seconds, just to go farther.

"Okay. I'm going to be honest, there is no hope for you two. But perhaps you're just not DotA players. So, we'll get into an easy game: Mazes. One of my favorites too, Run Kitty Run In Hell."

"What do we do?"

"Well, you guide your cat through dogs and if you touch any dogs, then the cat dies and you lose"

"This is going to be long…"

Yes, the two ogres had winded up in the world of 


	11. Trudging through the you know

**Chapter 11 : Trudging through the… you know what, never mind.**

Arthas appears at a hill in Lollyron. The land he had known wasn't the same but frankly, what does anyone care? Arthas was now in a really cool armor and was riding an undead… is that a cow?

"What trickery is this?" asks Arthas. Then he turns to look at a dreadlord that had just appeared. "Mal'Ganis? What the hell!"

"Calm yourself young prince, I am not Mal'Ganis. You killed him. I think you made that quite clear… But, like Mal'Ganis, I am a dreadlord, only bigger, tougher and with a divine armor"

"So, in other words, I can't kill you even if I want to?"

"I'm not your enemy. OR AM I!" exaggerates Tichondrius.

"Wow, stop it, my head hurts. Do you know what its like to have a sword talking to you all day?"

"Hey its not that bad! You just don't care about relationship!" said Frostmourne. "Its always like this you and I, no intimacy whatsoever! Gotta go make sure that king is dead, go meet that dreadlord, you don't love me…"

"Oh, Please, you're a SWORD. And stop being gay."

"You don't say gay, you say homose-"

"Alright shut up, already!" says Tichondrius. "Anyway, killing your father was your first test and you passed with flying colors. The Lich King is pleased with your enthusiasm."

"First off, I didn't kill dad, he died of a heart attack-"

"Then why was he found with his throat slit open?"

The author whistles…

"And, yes, I've damned everyone I've loved or cared for and I still feel no regret, no shame, just a little sad, though…" says Arthas.

"Well, you're going to have to be tougher, you're undead now and you look really badass so crying is forbidden. That and comments about your hair."

"What do I do first?"

"You go find twenty acolytes. They should be easy to spot: normal villagers are blue and acolytes are red. I don't know why but I wonder why no one realized who they were."

"Blizzard's logic…" says the Prince, running off to the road.

They meet one on the way.

"Greetings, milord, our master, Kel'Thuzad, told us you would come…"

"Kel'Thuzad? Didn't I kill him?"

"Actually, I was messing with you. It wasn't Kel'Thuzad, it was Jesus."

"Oh…"

TIP- don't let the townsfolk see you.

"Gee, thanks, I never could have guessed…" says Arthas. "Well, I hope all the other acolytes are this easy to find…"

Back in the darkness of a Blizzard office, many people were laughing…

Anyway, finding more acolytes, many troops turn to him and complain about Arthas killing Terenas and all that… Only to receive a Death Coil.

"Hold on a second, I'm getting beaten by a damn knight!" complained Arthas. "How can it get any worse?"

"51r?"

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me…"

"W3ll h3ll0 th3r3, d1dn'7 r34l1s3 y0u w3r3 c0m1ng!"

"How the hell are you still alive, Timmy?"

"Plot convenience!"

"Hey you said that without leeting!"

"I know, I'm taking courses." Says Timmy. He then take sout a brand new GLOWING sword. "T00 b4d 1 h4v3 t0 k1ll y0u."

"You? Kill me? Now that I think about it, that IS possible…"

The two fight to death, Timmy seems to have gained tremendous abilities. Abilities like Shockwave or Bash and one of my personal favorites, Cow-Bomb (don't ask, I beg you).

"What's happening?"

"1 h4v3 m4st3r3d 7h3 4r7 0f 7h3 W0rld 3d1t0r! Y0u can't beat me!"

Suddenly, Master Chief comes out of a nearby bush and starts pounding Timmy with his two bullet hoses… it takes just about 3 seconds for Timmy to fall.

"I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" shouts Timmy before disappearing.

"Thanks, Master Chief!"

"He was a danger to Halo 3. He had to be killed." Says MC, disappearing into that bush. "Oh, one last thing, kid. Lose the dead cow."

"It's a horse!"

"No, its not" says an acolyte.

"Yes it is, now DIE!" shouts Arthas. Before he can hit the acolyte, he teleports to Tichondrius.

They gather the twenty acolytes. Of course, just because you read it this way, doesn't mean it took only one second. In fact, it took longer then Pirates of the carribean 2 ( and that was sooo long…)

"What good are these cultists to us now?" asks Arthas.

"I don't know actually. I think they're supposed to resurrect Kel'Thuzad"

"Why would we do that?"

"Why, to make it harder for the player, that's why."

**Next Chapter: I'm goin' Graverobbin'…**


	12. I'm goin' Graverobbin'

Chapter 12 : I'm goin' Graverobbin'… 

"What the hell is that?" asks Arthas, pointing to a meat Wagon.

"This crude contraption is well… Its like a catapult, only it throws dead people and can carry corpses. It will help you keep Kel'Thuzad's remains intact."

"Can you not raise them when we find them?"

"Pardon me but a being of Kel'Thuzad's power can only be resurrected at a powerful nexus of ley-energies."

(Long Silence)

"There is no such place here."

"Of course there is, nexus thingies are everywhere!" says Arthas. "You, ghoul, do you have a nexus of ley-energies?"

"Yeah, I got three on me! Why?"

"See, just use those!"

"I'm sorry sir, that would be too easy. And I said _powerful_ nexus of ley-energies"

They retrieve the ashes. No big surprise there, seeing how easy it was. For God's sake, this doesn't make any sense: why the hell were his ashes buried? He was a damn necromancer! WHY WOULD VILLAGERS BURY A FREAKIN' UNDEAD! Add to the list he was already dead before he got killed… wait, I'm confused.

"Come, Necromancer, looks like we need you for once."

"Told you my death would mean little…" says Kel'Thuzad's ghost.

"What the… Am I seeing ghosts now?"

"How would that be a problem? You're an undead!"

"Good point."

2.5 seconds later.

"Took you long enough, these remains stink, they'll never survive the trip to Minas Tirith!" complains Tichondrius.

"Minas Tirith?"

"Yes, we've found that nexus thingy: it is the elves' most guarded treasure: The One ring!"

"Isn't the One Ring…"

"Yes, but now it's a nexus thingy" answers Tichondrius to quickly put away the question… "Anyway, we need a special Urn to keep the necromancer's remains intact. It is guarded by Paladins. I hope you see where I'm going?"

"I'm going to have to pass the undead tutorial thing, right?"

"Unfortunately, yes…"

Now, I'm pretty sure you know this part so I'll save you some reading time and skip that tutorial, needless to say our evil prince was pretty irritated… So Arthas goes and kills the first paladin.

"You've stripped Uther of his honor by-" says the paladin.

"Would you just die!" shouts Arthas.

"No, must make really long… speech about… (Strangling sound and dies)"

They ride on to kill the next paladin… and get to Uther.

"Your father ruled this land for seventy years, and you've grounded it to dust in a matter of pages" complains Uther.

"Stop being a drama queen, he was a bad king anyway! Give me the urn and I'll make your death… just give me the urn."

"This urn contains your father's ashes! What, were you hoping to piss on them one last time before you let his kingdom to rot?"

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"You were supposed to destroy the undead, not join them!" shouts Uther.

"Oh, not this again…" says a reader that had just realized what is to follow…

"You have allowed this Dark Lord to twist your mind! Until now… Until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy! You were the Chosen One Arthas! I loved you like a brother!"

"I HATE YOU!" screams Arthas, taking a swing at Uther. Star Wars Episode 3 music starts playing and the two former friends start slashing at each other with their lightsabers. They fight their way to one of the stations generator thingies, and it plunges into the lava.

The two keep fighting, until they realize the generator is going down a lava fall. Uther jumps down to a nearby shore while Arthas jumps on a platform.

"Its over Arthas, I have the high ground!" seeing Arthas getting ready to jump, he added: "Don't try it!"

But Arthas jumps, Uther takes a swing at him and misses, Arthas gets in his back… and slices him in half… Darth Vader's march music starts playing…

10 minutes later…

"Good, now your journey to Minas Tirith can begin" congratulates Tichondrius.

"Tell him nothing, the dreadlords are the lich king's jailors! If you talk, I'll do… you know what? Screw this, I will tell you all, when I walk this earth again…" says Kel'Thuzad.

**Next Chapter: Into Gondor**


	13. Into Gondor

**Chapter 13 : Into the realm of Gondor- I mean, Quel'Thalas (right?)**

Arthas was standing on the top of a cliff, just like he did at every cinematic. Interrupting the second silence, he says, "Ah, wondrous, eternal, green, homosexual-filled, beautiful-in-the-sense-I-want-to-burn-it-all Gondor! I haven't been here since I stood on this cliff in a seemingly badass way 10 seconds ago… Feels like a lifetime."

"Careful, the elves are most likely to be hiding behind small bushes such as this one…" warns Kel'Thuzad, pointing to an elf hiding behind two leaves.

"Shush, you're not supposed to see me, I'm camouflaged! In fact, you didn't see, hear or talk to anything, it was all your imagination…" says the elf.

"Hey, I wonder where Gondor is?" asks Arthas.

The elf stands up and points behind him. "Just there, take the bridge keep going and it's the third exit on the right."

"OH MY GOD A SPYING ELF! WHAT A SURPRISE! I NEVER COULD HAVE GUESSED!" shouts Arthas sarcastically, then killing the stupid elf. "Thanks, moron… Anyway, the elves aren't my concern. They're only a mix of humans and night elves and frankly, both suck."

"The elves must not be taken lightly! They're the ones who created Lifetime and PBS!"

"Oh my god! We're doomed!"

"Relax, their only weakness is their feelings. They are very concerned about their homosexuality, it seems society these days can't accept it."

"We shall see… even though I hope I don't have to… Bring forth the prisoner that just came out of nowhere to tell the player what he\she had already guessed!" a small priest comes up. He isn't chained, or has any ropes tied to him… In other words, he could have escaped easily. Perhaps this explains the undeads' incapability to win any battles. OR DOES IT!

"You'll never get inside! We have TREES and MAGIC GATES! The land itself protects us! And besides, WE HAVE YOU OUTNUMBERED!" screams the elf.

"Just so you know, these trees are the smallest I've ever seen. And, in case you haven't noticed, any one with a peasant or an acolyte can raise an army in hardly any time." Replies Arthas.

"Stupid Blizzard…"

Just then some Blizzard geek comes out of nowhere and did things to the poor elf. Things that should never be repeated here… but if you insist…

FLASHBACK 

Some guy named Bob was eating his lunch by a lovely snowy field in New Zealand. Suddenly, a mini Mario figurine landed on his head. But since that doesn't have anything to do with this flashback, something else landed on his head. It was an anchor and on it you could read a big:

"ON3 OMFG0FEGRSDJGFANIASNU18921YR9H4YUFNBQY89!"

Then the anchor disappeared and Bob says "WTF?" and the world exploded and that is how Azeroth comes to be.

**END FLASHBACK**

How does this relate to the elf? You figure that out, I'm tired.

"These trees will not stop me! You know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE TREES MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" shouts Arthas. "Bring up the catapults or demolishers or whatever you call those cheap wagons."

"I find you very offensive, sir." Says one of the meat wagons.

"What the hell?"

"Never mind…" says the Wagon, chopping down the trees.

"The energies of this place are strong… its like there's an elf base! Oh my God, there IS an elf base here! Go pwn it!" points out Kel'Thuzad.

The troops easily burn down the base. It's like there was only one guard. Wait, there WAS only one guard!

"Greetings, I am Sylvanus ASSrunner" says SylvANUS ASSrunner. "You are in violation of law #31 : no killing, law #32 : no invasions, law #65 : no hurting peaceful villagers, law #101: turning into and undead and killing a king, law #102 : killing a king, law #103 killing a parent, law #104 : taking up a costy blade and not paying for it, law # 345 insulting inanimate objects… ( **notices HP is at 1**) Damnit! I will finish my list, Arthas, I'LL FINISH IT!"

The army massacres all on its way to the gate. The way there is so boring skeletons simply chop themselves. In fact, it was so boring, one might compare it to a PBS telethon or Celine Dion singing. Even I got bored so I went to get chips and I didn't have enough so I thought, "Hey, what if I asks Buddha?" so I asked and he gave me pickle chips but since I hate pickle chips I told him to get me others but nooo, he always has to go be a golden statue somewhere. Either way, it was boring. (This useless rant on how killing elves is boring was written from lack of imagination at exactly 10:21 PM)

"Shindu Fallah Na! Wait, was does that mean? Oh yeah, fall back to the block of wood we dare call a gate!" shouts SylvANUS. "And why does my name have to be SylvANUS?"

"Why, because its funny!" replies the author.

"I don't find it funny!"

"Nobody cares what you think, your name is SylvANUS!"

"I hate you…"

"Onward my minions, let us go do that thing we were doing before I got drunk by boredom!"

And so, Arthas destroyed the stupid elves and passed the second gate.

**I realise I just took 10 lines and added stupid comments between them but.. who cares? It was funny!**

… **was it?**


	14. How the Expansion pack was doomed

**Chapter 14 : Another gate…**

BOOM! Went the door, instantly squashing two elven workers. Well, not really since anything that's been squashed actually explodes here but you get the point.

"Quick, fall back to the…(looks around for something to hide behind) the trees! Yes, that's it, to the trees!" says Sylvanus Assrunner, running over the bridge.

"Now its just pathetic, hiding behind trees? You could have at least hidden behind rocks or bigger things that we CAN'T break down." Suggests Arthas. "Besides, its only a matter of time before I get through that gate. You can't outrun what the game producer made!"

"You think I'm running from you? Obviously, you haven't fought elves before!"

"First off, yes, you ARE running from me and second, if I've never fought elves before, what have been doing for the past half an hour!"

"Oh… good point… Anyway, you'll have to find THREE MAGIC KEYS! And to make it worse, THEY'RE HIDDEN IN THREE DIFFERENT CORNERS OF THE MAP!"

"Wow, really?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Its just it sounded so cheap, I didn't think it was possible…"

"Besides, you'll be stuck on this side of the river after I break this bridge!" shouts Sylvanus.

"No I won't, there's a goblin zeppelin to the right. You'll only be thwarting my plan for just about… two seconds. Thanks for that last piece of information though, that just saved me a few hours."

"I hate this life…"

The elf shoots three arrows in the air and the bridge falls down... for some reason... She then walks back to the camp, mumbling something about breaking her diet and eating a whole KFC family bucket. Arthas then proceeds to getting on the zep, only coming out of it to get the keys.

"Damnit! I knew I should have put units around the keys and not around the gate!" says a high elven footman, seeing the key taken from him.

… 3 minutes later…

"HAHA! I have made it through the four footmen and opened the door. Its amazing the elves have lasted this long, considering that they don't even know how to upgrade towers" points out Arthas.

**Chapter 14, Part two (because the first wasn't long enough)**

"You've done ok, so far. The real test is still to come." Says Tichondrius.

"I never could have guessed… anything useful to say before you disappear?"

"No (disappears)…"

"Do you think he suspects something?" says Arthas.

"No, it's in his nature to be a moron and not guess" answers Kel'Thuzad. "Now hurry up, I'm sick of being a ghost."

"Is it that bad?"

"Heaven is so boring..."

"You went to heaven? Oh right, Greenpeace…" says Arthas.

Just then, Sylvanus strikes the north side of the base.

"Did you forget about us?" says Sylvanus.

"Who? Who are you?"

"She is persistent, death knight. And pretty sexy, too. Reminds me of you."

"Are you hitting on me!"

"Yes- I mean, no. Absolutely not…"

QUEST UPDATE

_-Destroy Sylvanus' base (Haha, anus… so funny…)_

NEW UNIT: Gargoyles. What? Didn't you ever hear of gargoyles? They're like footman only they don't leet or talk, they can't use defend, they're undead, they fly, they turn into stone and… okay, so they don't have anything to do with footmen.

NEW UNIT: Crypt fiends can web stuff. And they have eight eyes. I wish I had eight eyes. Then I could smell better…

They storm the base and Sylvanus. Arthas corners her into a dramatic position… just try to imagine it, I'm kindof tired right now.

"I salute your… well, I can't salute much to you… but the chase ends here." Says Arthas.

"Then I make my stand here! **(DIES FROM SUDDEN HEART ATTACK)** Go now, finish me! I deserve… a clean death!"

"No you don't. You failed at everything! And your name is Sylvanus; no one with anus in their names deserves a clean death. Besides, I'm evil! Why would I do that while I can…"

"You wouldn't dare…"

"Oh, please. I launched an a-bomb on a harmless city of peaceful villagers, went to Canada illegally and burned my men's ships so they could die with me, took up an evil sword, therefore killing a dwarf legend, left my troops to rot in freezing wastelands just to kill a dreadlord that now means nothing to me, came back to lollyron to kill my father the king, became an undead, which is what I was fighting all along, destroyed the Silver Hand along with my former friend Uther, also using one of the worst clichés possible, replaced my father's ashes with a necromancer that works for Greenpeace and murdered my way into the elven citadel. How would THIS be a problem to me?"

"It wasn't my fault, Blizzard made me do it."

"So?" asks Arthas. He then raises his sword and Sylvanus relives in the form of a banshee. "Don't worry, you'll like to be and undead. We have free burgers every Thursday."

"Cool! But I want to have a decent name and be more then a banshee!"

"Fine, you are now named SilverAnus AssKisser."

"HEY!"

"Okay then… Sylvanas… but you're going to have to wait until the expansion to change into a dark ranger."

"When does it come out?" asks Sylvanas.

"(**looks at watch)** two minutes."

"YAY!"

"No "yay"s. Only Living people say that. Now you have to say "yippee"."

Several seconds later (whosyourdaddy involved)…

"People of Minas Tirith, I have given you no opportunities to surrender, come to think of it, I've been quite an asshole, but know that today, your heritage and your entire race will end!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO" screams a Blizzard fan.

Arthas nearly took the ring but found himself gripped by a hooded man in golden armour. On each side stood eight glowing tentacles and he had a bright sword. Yes, all you Diablo fans, he was standing before the archangel, Tyrael.

"You fool! You have no idea of the horror you have unleashed! The fate of the expansion pack was in your hands!" says Tyrael.

"I don't understand!" shouts Arthas.

"Because of you, the blood elves are born! You created the worst ever campaign there was! Thousands will flood the discussion forums, complaining about the blood elf campaign!"

"Is it THAT bad?"

Then, Diablo, Mephisto, Baal and Chuck Norris arrive.

"Yes, it IS! Go to Dalaran and finish this campaign, but know the wrong is already done and that you have doomed the expansion pack." Says Chuck Norris.

"And you three, what are you doing here?" asks Arthas to the three demons.

Just then, a level 99 barbarian comes out of nowhere and kills the demons. Arthas snaps back to reality and Kel'Thuzad takes the One ring.

"I live again! But I'm a lich? F**(BLEEP)** you Ner'Zhul, F**(BLEEP)** you!" complains Kel'Thuzad.

"I wasted three chapters lich, now tell me about the dreadlords." Demands Arthas.

"What's there to tell? They suck, and they serve an even worse master. But I'll tell you more about it on the next chapter of… (**Cheesy music)**… Reign of Kayos!"

**Next Chapter: Uh… I don't know actually.**


	15. The Prince Is Right

Chapter 15 : Revelations 

"Not too upset about that one time I killed you?" asks Arthas.

"Don't be silly, I hate you! I f I had an opportunity to freeze you AND Ner'zhul, I would. Heck, if I had Halo, you'd all be dead!" happily states Kel'Thuzad, chuckling lightly.

"Wow… you'd do that for me?"

"Of course, anything for my master!"

"Okay then…Isn't it time you told me about the dreadlords, lich?" asks Arthas.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" says Kel'Thuzad. "Fine then, the dreadlords are special agents of the IRS, more commonly known as the (**BLEEP**) or Burning Legion."

"What is this Legion?"

"Money stealing assholes, that's what they are! They also have a giant army of regular assholes and they are intent on destroying the world!"

"So the destruction of Lollyron, the slaughtering of the elves… it was all just for some asshole invasion?"

"Yes, in time, you will find that the entire history was shaped because of them: the World Wars, Lucas Arts cutting short development of KotOR 2, even the invention of Pong!"

"What do these have to do with the IRS?"

"Not much, actually, I was just filling up space." Answers Kel'Thuzad.

"So, what now?"

"Let's ask the public…"

A giant crowd of nerds and not-so-nerdy people appear out of nowhere, and the landscape turns into a television game show. Kel'Thuzad is now wearing a tie and is wielding a microphone.

"Ladies and Gentleman, please applaud the traitor prince, the new and more evil one!"

Arthas rides in, and the crowd starts booing worse then when they saw Doom… if that's possible.

"I said APPLAUD!" shouts Kel'Thuzad, frost nova-ing a group of French tourists. The rest of the crowd immediately starts cheering for their life. "That's better! Now, Arthas, why do you think you're here?"

"I don't know, I thought you were going to tell me."

"SURPRISE, I'm letting YOU choose YOUR Destiny!" says Kel'Thuzad. He then successively points to three different doors. "Will it be Door number 1: Skipping Chapter 16 and going directly to Dalaran?" The crowd boos, the author though, silently hopes that Arthas will choose this one. "Or Door number 2, where you get a free car and also piss off the author? Or Door number 3, the MYSTERY BOX?"

The crowd cheers for the mystery box.

"Uh… Um… Uuuuh… I'll take… Uh…"

"Not sure? Ask the public! YOU, sir!"

"Um, me?" says a random footman.

"Why, yes, you! What do you want the prince to do?"

"Go for the box, THE BOX!"

"Why should take advice from you?" asks Arthas, Death Coiling him.

"You can also call someone you know!" suggests Kel'Thuzad. "Like Bob the Abomination! Here, I'll put him on the phone!"

"No way, I wanna call Jaina!"

The crowd goes silent.

"Uh… are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay then… This is going to get ugly…"

Dring-----Dring-----Dring-----Drin-"Hello?"

"Jaina?" asks Arthas.

"Oh…my…f(**BLEEP**) god-"

"Jaina, Abbreviate please!"

"Sorry." Apologizes Jaina. "You're kidding, right! You're not Arthas, are you?"

"Um, yes, its just I turned Undead and killed all the elves."

"AWESOME! WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU?!"

"Frostmourne didn't want to." Answers Arthas.

"Why are you calling? You know telephones aren't invented for another thousand years, don't you?"

"Go to channel six, I want you to choose what I do next."

"…Why are you riding a cow? Never mind, I can't say anything until the orc campaign but I'd go with … Uh… Door 2!" screams Jaina.

"Okay then." Says Arthas, disappearing into Door 2.

**Next Time: Behind the Dark Door #2**


	16. Orcs'R'Us

Chapter 16: Orcs R' Us 

Undead forces ran about aimlessly (as usual) and Arthas and Kel'Thuzad stand on the top of a cliff (as usual).

"Isn't time you told me about the second phase of the plan?" asks Arthas.

"I never talked about any plan."

"Good point, Blizzard guy!"

"What?" asks a random Blizzard employee.

"Why didn't I ask about the plan?"

"Find something yourself, I'm too lazy."

"Anyway, the first plan was to create an army of walking corpses to take out the good guys." Explains Kel'Thuzad. "Then, we summon the badass demon who will destroy whatever is left."

"It's so simple… Frostmourne, what do you think?"

"Hey, leave me out of this, I'm just a talking sword." Says Frostmourne. "Besides, I'm EMO now, I'm going to cut myself."

"You're a sword, how can you cut yourself?"

"With my blade, duh!" complains the sword. "Sigh Humans…"

The sword then desperately tries to cut itself… and it seems to work…

"Okay then… There is an encampment of Wal-Mart commercial Orcs who maintain a functional Orcs'R Us. We basically just pwn their base."

The undead camp suddenly turns to attack a wave of orcs leaded by a blademaster.

"Go away, monsters, WE are the true servants of the burning legion!" shouts the blademaster.

"Who are these morons?" asks Arthas.

"I'm going to guess they are old orcs, who don't know yet that orc fashion has changed and serving demons is for losers." Answers Kel'Thuzad.

"Oh" replies very simply Arthas.

The orcs are pathetic. They still use wooden swords that they call "Choppy-sticks" and don't even use demolishers. Clearly, they are outdated by a few patches. When they are all dead, except one that went into a coma after seeing "new" weapons called swords, Arthas notices an item the blademaster dropped.

"He dropped a large tome, is it magical?"

"Um, lets see, its glowing, its hovering 2 feet above the ground, its way larger then any tome anyone could read, its golden, if I touch it he touches it it goes poof and makes a small magical explosion. Nope, it is definitely not magical." Answers Kel'Thuzad.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Then you must die!" screams Arthas, raising his trusty gay- I mean, EMO, blade.

"Please, stop. Its never worked and you know it."

"Yeah, I AM a sad loser… I should get on with the story."

"GOOD IDEA!" shout my fans (do I have any? Who am I kidding, of course I do!)

A giant undead dragon flies into the base, startling pretty much everyone.

"Behold! The Frost Worm! I mean, the Frost WYRM! They are the lich king's favorite pets!"

"Really? Can I pet it?" asks Arthas.

"Of course! Here, boy!" Kel'Thuzad whistles and the wyrm flies excitingly to him. Arthas then starts petting it and the wyrm starts purring. Of course, when I mean purring, its more like a giant rumble that sends multiple buildings down. "Cute, isn't he?"

"I wanna ride it!"

"Sorry, Tolkien already copyrighted the idea of a dark knight riding a dragon."

"Oh…"

Several minutes later…

"Alright lich, the gate is yours." Says Arthas.

"Well that was quick" points out Kel'Thuzad. He positions himself close to the gate. "I call upon thee Archimonde, your humble servant seeks to talk to you!"

A semi-transparent image of a Demon appears in the gate. He clearly has been to a party, judging by his pants being down. He quickly pulls them up.

"PUNY you have called my name, PUNY lich. And I have come. PUNY you are PUNY Kel'Thuzad, are PUNY you not?" says the demon lord.

"Yes, I am the summoner."

"Good, there is a special PUNY tome PUNY you must find. PUNY it is the last PUNY spell book of PUNY Medivh. Only PUNY his PUNY incantations are powerful enough to bring me into your PUNY world." Explains Archimonde. "Seek out the PUNY City of Dalaran. It Is there that the PUNY tome is kept. At PUNY Twilight, three PUNY days from now, you will begin the PUNY summoning. Now, if PUNY you will excuse me, I have to go party with the other PUNY demons."

"Well that was a lot of PUNY." Points out Arthas.

"I know, irritating isn't it?" replies Kel'Thuzad.

**Next time: The siege of Dalaran**


	17. The PUNY siege of PUNY Dalaran

Chapter 17 : The PUNY siege of PUNY Dalaran 

The next morning, at the gates of Dalaran…

"Wizards of the FBI- I mean, Kirin Tor, I am Prince Arthas, first of the lich king's death knights. I demand you to come out and surrender so we can kill you easily!" shouts Arthas.

Suddenly, Harry Potter appears, along with two nerdy knights.

"Greetings Prince Arthas, how fares your noble father?" asks the nerdy wizard.

"Harry Potter? I know how to deal with you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, its very simple, I just bring Kryptonite!" Arthas takes out a green gem.

"Ha, Kryptonite is Superman's weakness, it'll never… AAAAAAAAAAH! IT BURNS!" shouts Harry Potter. "Damn… you… We have erected… anti-undead Windex sprays around, you'll never get through!"

Harry Potter mass teleports to Medivh's spellbook, but at this time, Warcraft 3 glitches and teleports Arthas and Kel'Thuzad with him. Footmen armed with anti-undead spray cans jump out of nowhere and start spraying the two undead.

"Quick, put on your goggles!" shouts Kel'Thuzad. They both put them on but nothing happens.

"THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING! I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING!" screams Arthas.

"Arthas, nothing's happening, the goggles deflected the spray back to the footmen. Harry Potter is dead."

"Oh… this sucks. We should start over and give the chapter a more decent story." Suggests Arthas. The two go back in time to the point where Harry Potter leaves.

They kill the archmages and arrive at Harry Potter. He comes out of Dalaran's Citadel: Hogwarts.

"It pains me to even look at you Arthas!" complains Potter.

"As far as I know, I'm not Voldemort. Besides, don't you anything more dramatic to say before you die?" says Arthas, killing Harry Potter (ignoring J.K. Rowling yelling at them). "The book is all yours, lets take it and leave before the other Harry Potter geeks arrive."

"Indeed, we should get the hell out of here. I'll begin summoning at sunset."

About a day later…

"Alright, the circle of power is complete. You can begin, lich!"

"Oh the circle is only for ambience. I could have summoned anywhere really." says Kel'Thuzad. "Anyway, I read through Medivh's novel. He really know how to make epic but very romantic scenes! I'm surprised they haven't made a movie or a game out of this!"

Ironic isn't it?

I know I may be rushing into this, but I will skip to the part where Archimonde is summoned.

"Come forth Lord Archimonde! Let us bask in your badass-ness!" shouts Kel'Thuzad.

The circle of power glows, then it lights on fire, and a demon lord steps out. But not the one you think it is…

"Tremble and despair, mortals! DARTH VADER HAS COME TO YOUR WORLD!" screams Vader to no one in particular.

"Vader? What the hell, I thought we were summoning Archimonde!" asks Arthas.

"GOT YOU!" says Archimonde, taking off his Vader mask. "TREMBLE AND DESPAIR, PUNY MORTALS, ASSHOLES HAVE COME TO THIS PUNY WORLD!"

Tichondrius then appears next to the circle

"Lord Archimonde, all the preparations have been made."

"Even the PUNY sand castle?"

"Yes."

"Good PUNY job!"

Now, to those of you who think Archimonde was mumbling something about fire and how men used it, you are wrong. He was actually just chanting PUNY to the air of Heavy metal songs, while kicking some poor PUNY kid's sand castle that just happened to look like Dalaran. The surviving archmages thought it was a spell to destroy the city, so they ran in a senseless way around the streets. Eventually, horses ran into buildings and exploded, sealing the doom of men. Now you know the truth.

…**I'm done… for now… Season three in a week or two.**


	18. How to dodge evil dogs

Chapter 18 : How to escape evil instant kill dogs 

"Furt?" asks Burt.

"Yes, Burt?" answers Furt.

"What are we doing here?" asks Burt.

"I don't know… is there some God controlling all of it? Or is It some kind of Matrix thing? I don't know, but it keeps me up at night…"

"What? I was talking about why we're in this crater, avoiding dogs with Mike Myers!"

"Oh, that! I suspect this is a ploy from the author to make readers laugh by executing us in many funny ways. Like this giant Dog coming our way."

The two poor ogres then get run over by a giant dog. Just to make it funnier, there was blood and flying limbs involved. Anyway, they re-spawn in a cage. WITH MORE DOGS MUAHAHAHAHA! Seriously.

"Weren't we supposed to be hunting the guy that killed us and brought us here in the first place? I mean, this is so stupid. We should be gathering an army to get back to wherever we came from then to rule over that cruel world we call home as evil emperors!" says Burt.

"Yeah, this is pretty sad…"

"Hey, Mike!" shouts Burt.

Mike comes out a English-flag-shaped portal. "What is it?" he asks.

"We wanna ditch this nerd-nest and create an army to run over our home-world as evil emperors. Wanna come?"

"Yeah, sure why not? I mean, passing years and years on internet to take full control of which is probably the biggest nerd-nest ever, therefore hindering my social life to the point where all I talk about is Warcraft and how I use the world editor to make it harder for me only to be forgotten in two years and having to live on Arby's leftovers and Cuban Chinese food was fun and all, but I think I prefer taking over a parody that will be forgotten in a month and possibly make an audience of more or less competent writers laugh."

"Wow…" says Furt.

"Your real life must suck!" points out Burt.

"Yeah, I realised way too late that Wacraft is JUST A GAME… Heck, why do you think they stopped making Austin Power movies?"

(Long Silence)

"Hey, Furt?"

"Yeah?"

"I just thought of something… Mike Myers never played Wacraft! This guy isn't him!"

Fake Mike peals off his mask to reveal Darth Vader himself. Well, maybe not himself, because when he takes off the rest of his suit, you can see two storm troopers holding a VERY small Vader.

"YOU'RE RIGHT! I AM VADER!"

"Good for you. You gonna help us now?"

"Yes…"

The camera slowly zooms out while the three evil guys laugh maniacally (and cough maniacally in Vader's case)…

**OMG! MIKE MYERS WAS DARTH VADER! _OR IS HE!_**

**Will Thrall succeed in getting to Kalimdor? Will Cow-men ambush the orcs? WILL FURT AND BURT CONQUER THE WORLD! Probably not for that last one, but you'll find it out in the next episode of (EXTREMELY CHEESY MUSIC)… REIGN OF KAYOS!**


	19. Welcome to Saoudi Arabia

**Chapter 19 : Welcome to Saoudi Arabia, where all dreams come true!**

"Warchief, our ships sustained heavy damage when we were passing a conveniently placed storm. If you ask me, I like peanuts" says a random grunt to Thrall.

"I knew that moron, I WAS THERE!" screams Thrall. "Can we confirm our location? Is this Kalimdor?"

"Well, sir, judging by that sign **points to sign **we've landed in Ireland, thereby making the current title useless."

Thrall then goes furious. "I DIDN'T PASS 25 FU WEEKS ON A DESERT ISLAND, WAITING FOR OUR BOATS TO BE REPAIRED, ONLY TO LAND ON AN ISLAND WHERE WE HAVE TO PRESS A STUPID BUTTON EVERY 108 MINUTES OR THE WORLD WILL BLOW UP JUST TO HEAR WE DIDN'T LAND ON STUPID KALIMDOR!""

Thrall then rips off the sign, replacing it by a Kalimdor sign.

"From now on, THIS is Kalimdor. Ok?"

"But sir, this is Ireland-"

"SHUT UP!"

"… Okey dokey then…"

"Anyway, has there been any sign of Hellcream?"

"Actually we forgot to take him with us when we departed. Besides, Last time I checked, whatever ship we gave him got eaten by a Kraken so… No he's probably dead."

"FUCK! Anyway, if ,by a miraculous chance I hope the author will give us, our comrades made it here, then we should look for them. Shouldn't be hard, how big can Kalimdor be?"

Back in the evil lair of Blizzard, many crazed employees were laughing hysterically…

The troops continue on, fighting fish-men, horse-men and pig-men along the way. What's next? COW-men?

Eventually they come to cliff. Horse-men are running in it.

"The horse-men look as if they're dressed for war… Kind of obvious, seeing as they all have these giant tanks and machine guns on them… And look, there's a nuclear missile silo pointed at that village!" says Thrall.

Suddenly, cow-men burst out of the woods.

"Hello, we're…" says the one wielding a giant axe.

"Look, men! Wild cows! You don't see that in Lordaeron!" says Thrall.

"They so cute! Can I pet one?" asks a troll.

"THERE SHALL BE NO PETTING! We're cow-men, I mean, Tauren from the Bloodhoof clan. You Hulk-look-alikes fight well. We thought we'd greet you into Ireland-"

"KALIMDOR!"

"Excuse me?" asks Cairne.

"Nothing… I suppose I should mention there's and army of horse-men marching North?"

"But my Village is North!"

"You're in trouble! What a chieftain you make!"

"Hey, I led the Bloodhoof for 250 years and this…"

"May want to go save your village. The way I see it, they're probably already dead!"

"I have a feeling I'm going to hate you, young warchief…"

"You have no idea…"

5 seconds later, at the Bloodhoof village.

"THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING! THE CENTAUR ARE COMING!" screamed a small hyperactive tauren. He then gets zapped by Thrall for speaking too loud and saying repetitive, boring and unoriginal text.

"ALRIGHT, WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!" shouted the author, making a guest appearance with his trusty pimped-up needler. "Yes, good cows of Ireland-"

"KALIMDOR!"

"Fine, Kalimdor, it is I! The author!" finishes me.

"Oh, good, just a question, is Hellcream still alive?" asks Thrall.

"Yeah, but he dies in a few chapters."

"Shit… So, why did you come?"

"Well, I was getting tired of writing something too similar to the story, so I made a guest appearance and changed the centaur to Hulk eating clowns" explains the author.

"Why clowns?"

"Doesn't matter. Look, there they are!" the author pointed to giant purple clowns with Anti-Hulk hats.

5.34 minutes later…

"Well, old one, your village is safe. But honestly, if I hadn't been there, you would be dead because you're a crappy chieftain" says Thrall.

"Author, can I kill this loser? He really pisses me off" asks the tauren Chieftain.

"No way, that would screw up the story. Just say your text."

"Young Thrall, I am intrigued by your people and I am a stupid cow! Who wrote this? Anyway, come with me to my farm! I swear, when this over, I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD OVER MY FIREPLACE!" screams Cairne. Unfortunately, he is going to have to cope with Thrall for a long time. Why? Because I said so, that's why! MUAHAHAHAHA!


	20. The really really really long march

**Chapter 20 : "This land is my land, this land is your land…"**

* * *

Morning rose (again) over the barrens (again) as Thrall walked up to Cairne (again).

"Your land is brown and unoriginal. Much like the place my people come from" says Thrall.

"Yes, we tauren- What! THAT'S IT OFF GOES YOUR HEAD!" screams Cairn, chopping Thrall to pieces.

MISSION FAILED – Would you like to try again?

TAKE TWO:

"Your land is rugged and beautiful. I can see some good places for Wal-Marts and Toys'R'Us!"

"YOU SHALL DO NO SUCH THING!" screams the chieftain, again chopping Thrall to pieces.

About 3 hours later… TAKE THREE HUNDRED TWENTY:

"Your land is… colorful."

"Sigh I guess I'll have to leave it to that…" sighes the chieftain.

"Wait, I wasn't finished!"

"Do you really want to keep talking!"

"Good point. Anyway, my people deserve a land to call their own." Points out Thrall.

"THEN YOU'RE HERE TO CONQUER US!"

"People, people, just explain to Thrall what hes going to have to do before chopping his head off, that way we can keep going and finish the damn mission" says the author. "Or at least stop complaining out loud, the filming crew is getting annoyed…"

The two warchiefs calm down and stop hyperventilating long enough to say their script. No, really, I'm serious.

A grunt runs to the orc chief, he is stressed and has a war axe stuck in his forehead. "SIR, need medical… assistance… must… live… long enough to… say… message…" manages to blurt out the soldier.

"Bah, you'll be fine. What did you have to tell me?"

"We've spotted… a group… of centaurs attacking… us!"

"And you only just noticed?"

"SIR I REALLY NEED MEDICAL ASSISSTANCE!"

"You'll get over it. Cairne, the disgusting mutant elephants you dare call kodos are overburdened. Maybe you should stay with the caravan and protect them." Suggests Thrall.

"There's no need to cuddle me, boy. I may be old but I can still fight. Besides, I'm not gay."

"As if…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing…"

They reach the first Oasis after many Whosyourdaddied fights. Suddenly, three grunts surprise them by jumping out of the woods with asparagus man masks. What is an asparagus man, you ask? Bush is one. Let that give you an idea…

"AAAAAH!" screams a Troll. "I'M TOO FOREIGN ACCENTED TO DIE!"

"Relax, we just kidding" says one of the grunts.

"AND IT TALKS! AUTHOR SAVE ME!"

Thirty seconds later, by the next Oasis (which just happened to have a Hilton Hotel nearby…), three possessed catapults come out of the woods. Why are they possessed? Hasn't anyone noticed there is NO ONE in these machines? Yet they just walk and shoot and talk and chop down trees because a mouse pointer said so? Warcraft is so unrealistic…

Anyway, after many hours of waiting for the mutant elephants…

"OH MY FOREIGN ACCENTED BLUE SKINNED GOD! CENTAURS BE RUNNING TO US!" screams the hyperactive troll. "WE GOIN TO DIE WE BE GOIN TO DIE!"

"Don't worry! I will save us!" says Cairne. He then smashes his hoof on the ground, sending the three catapults into bits and damaging everyone. Besides that, a few pebbles fall, blocking the centaurs.

"I can't believe this game is cheap enough to have us stopped by pebbles, this is so frustrating! Oh wait, I CAN PASS OVER THEM!" realizes a centaur.

"Nice job "Chieftain"! You really know how to save us…" says Thrall sarcastically.

"You're welcome" welcomes the chieftain.

"It was sarcasm! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Let's be honest, horses run faster then cows, that means they wouldn't have any chance of survival. Luckily, the author had planted several million tons of what centaurs fear the most…

"OMG, I AM SO SCARED BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN THIS THAT I AM GOING TO TURN BACK AND RUN FOR MY LIFE!" screams a centaur. "I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE…"

The centaur stops screaming, having a giant needler near what you might call a head…

"Shhhh, its confidential" says the author.

"Why?"

"Cus' I didn't have enough imagination at the time to think up of something funny."

"Oh… Lazy ass…"

Two minutes later…

"Well, warchief, the caravan is safe… okay half of it is safe. But the point is you can continue your journey to the oracle so you can leave me alone" explains Cairne.

"What Oracle?"

"Just go and leave me alone!" begs the tauren chief.

Anyway, the hulk-look-alikes keep going to Dr. Evil Mountain. Why Dr. Evil Mountain? Because its shaped like Dr Evil's head in his evil pinky-to-mouth position. Just watch the second Austin Powers…

* * *

**Next Chapter: What is left of Lollyron. In other words, 2 pieces of wood.**


	21. Lollyron's wreckage

**Chapter 21: What's left of Lollyron (two pieces of wood)

* * *

**

Meanwhile, back in lollyron… (my god I need a new transition sentence…)

Demons were raining down literally on what was left of lollyron, destroying everything on their way. Even sheep! ISN'T THAT JUST CRUEL?!! Anyway, the view focuses on Tichondrius who just randomly appeared out of nowhere. He walks to Mannoroth (who turned pink).

"Hail, mighty Mannoroth!… what's with the pink?" asks Tichondrius.

"Its my new _thing _you see, Archimonde always speaks with PUNY and I wanted to be the only pink demon!" answers Mannoroth.

"So… how goes the invasion?"

"What invasion? We're just hitting random buildings, nothing too destructive. Besides, humans don't pose much threat, seeing as they were obliterated…"

"Then the scourge did its job well, unlike your stupid orcs who can't defend a damn demon gate… they suck…"

Mannoroth slashes in fury at Tichondrius and produces some random special effect that goes BOOM. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT THINKING I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND! YOU WILL PAY FOR INSULTING MY PINKINESS!!!"

"Actually I was insulting your worthless orcs and calling you incompetent."

"Oh"

"Yes. Anyway, I thought you'd like to know the orcs aren't here anymore" says the dreadlord.

"Do you take me for an idiot? I know you're insulting my pink style!"

"You moron, THE ORCS ARE ON IRELAND!"

"KALIMDOR!!!" screams Thrall.

"SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT IN THIS CHAPTER!!!"

"YOU SHUT UP YOU SON OF A… (gets taken away by Blizzard Asylum officers)"

Quickly changing the subject, Mannoroth screams for no reason in particular while stabbing Tichondrius.

"OUCH, Man that hurt! Why'd do you do that? We've been friends since kindergarten and you stab at me for no reason? I thought there was something special between us!" shouts the dreadlord.

"Hey, we kissed once and that was it, never happened again!"

BOOM! Archimonde appears right next to the demons, screaming at the top of his PUNY lungs: "HA WE KISSED TWICE! I ROX YOU!"

"Hey Archimonde, how's it going?"

"My PUNY wife left me, my PUNY son has denied me, my PUNY daughter got kidnapped and my PUNY friends kicked me out of their PUNY club for being too alcoholic… But other then that, I feel fine" says Archimonde. "We will watch the PUNY orcs and wait… it'll be good for world's funniest videos, imagine the PUNY profits!"

"… right…"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- laugh you PUNY morons!"

The trio laughs maniacally while cast in an evil under shadow…

(Really long silence)

(more silence)

(Just a little more)

"Well, this sucks… this chapter doesn't even make one page!" complains Mannoroth.

"I know, its like the author is running our of ideas..." suggests Archimonde.

"What do we do?" asks Tichondrius.

Suddenly, a giant portal appears. Out comes a character so evil, so crazy, so unexpected…

"TIMMY?!" shout the three demons. "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

Two more characters come out, this time even crazier… or maybe just more stupid.

"FURT AND BURT?!"

Then another character so small, so ridiculous, so… I'm running out of ideas, Help me sheep of comedy! (looks at sheep with bowtie. The sheep shrugs.) Shit…

"DARTH VADER?!!!" scream the demon lords.

"Actually no, Darth Vader was eliminated on the Death Star and died in his son's hands. I am only a cheap version of Vader used by the author to create an element of…"

"ALRIGHT SHUT UP!" orders Archimonde. "Now, since I am the biggest here, I will ask the PUNY questions. What are you PUNY sideshow characters doing PUNY here?"

"We're taking over the world!"

"You can't take over the world, WE'RE taking over the world!" says Tichondrius.

He slashes at them, killing them instantly. "Well, that was easy!"

(Jaws music)

"Hey, why is that music playing? Why am I scared? Why do I feel a need to turn slowly behind me in a dramatic way then scream and run? (turns slowly and dramatically) OMG!"

What will happen next? No need to keep you waiting, is there? Here you go.

* * *

**COMPLETELY RANDOM PART 2: BATTLE OF THE SIDESHOW FREAKS!**

* * *

Suddenly, The author jumps out of another portal (so its repetitive, big whoop, wanna fight about it?). "STOP! I created you, and I CAN DESTROY YOU!" He takes out a small remote with a big red button, then presses it.

(Nothing happens)

"Shit, wrong ogre…"

Meanwhile, back in the Barrens, Some half-orc half-ogre explodes… ruining in the process, the Orc campaign in the expansion (poor expansion pack, its suffered a lot, hasn't it?).

"HA, puny Master Chief imitation! You cannot beat us! We will crush you and your pathetic lines!" screams Furt. Suddenly, all the secondary characters appear: Mr.Pacman, Diablo, Mephisto, Baal, the level 99 barbarian, Tyrael, Frostmourne, Darth Sion, Master Chief, Muradin, Foxy Cleopatra, the pie I ate, Mrs Pacman, the commercial orc blademaster, the centaurs that ran away, the kodos, the talking meat wagon, the possessed catapults, the asparagus men, the Hulk-eating clowns, the Montreal Canadian hockey team, MANY Canadians and a few zombies from chapter 3. And Master Chief. You can't forget Master Chief.

"We outnumber you (counts on fingers) a gagillion to one! You can't beat us!" shouts Burt.

"Master Chief, weren't you with me?"

"Oh, right." He walks over.

"Now what?" asks Furt.

"I think we fight…" suggests the author.

The fight breaks out, but the baddies are no match for MC. Explosions go up in incredible yet somehow cheap explosions, as some random battle music starts playing. One by one, they fall, but new secondary characters like Chuck Norris appear. The fight lasts hours, until the two Spartans are too tired to keep going, at which point they fall back.

"We can't hold them!" says Master Chief.

"I NOTICED!" screams the author. "I'll have to use my ultimate weapon…"

"Author, you can't!"

"Its needed…"

The brave author lurks out and summons his most powerful beast… the plasma pistol. All their opponents walk out of the way, leaving place to the two ogres…

"You think to beat us with this pathetic weapon?!" says Burt.

"Ah, but the plasma pistol IS the sickest weapon ever!" He overcharges the plasma and shoots.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Everything explodes in ridiculously large balls of plasma, creating a shockwave of… anyway, the point is, the author gets rid of them all with his awesome pistol and they all go up. Master Chief walks to the author slowly…

"The wrong has been righted, I created you by introducing you in the early chapters and I have obliterated you forever…" recites the author.

"That was the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard" points out MC. "Come on, you have more chapters to write and I haven't finished Halo 3. We've got work."

The two Spartans walk away silently, knowing the biggest threat ever posed to a story has been destroyed…

**Next chapter: HAHA, Warsong is crying! Losers!**

* * *

Somewhere in the debris of Lollyron…a drak music plays... the view centers on a particular piece of wood... the view stops and the music accelerates... then, a hand crawls out of the wreckage, shacking madly, followed by the shadow of a footman's helmet…

* * *

**Author's Note: You didn't think it'd be that easy to get rid of a leeting footmen, now did you?**


	22. Warsong cries losers

**Chapter 22 : Warsong's cries… the losers.**

Thrall and his troops were running through the Barrens for some reason… It was all silent until on orc talked…

"Warchief, this boring. We been walking through big ugly wasteland and all we fought were horse-me and pig-men. Oh and some Irish people… That was scary…" says the orc.

"Yeah, I'm freaking bored… there better some useless very bloody yet extremely costly in troops fights around here or I might start using you as target practice! That would be so funny, don't you think?" asks the chieftain.

The trolls and grunts let out nervous laughs. That had already happened after one of Thrall's visions of Jesus.

"Wait, I am having a vision!"

"EVERYBODY, RUN FOR IT! AAAAAAAAAAH!" screams the hyperactive troll.

"HAHA, just kidding. You guys are so predictable"

Suddenly, they hear a bell ring from a nearby clearing. Grom Hellcream is fighting humans.

"Quick, humans! Grom needs our help!" commands Thrall.

"Sir, they have two grunts and a blademaster. They'll be fine."

"Oh, good point. Lets charge anyway."

Both troops destroy the human base in about 5 seconds. Not much else to say about the battle, just grunts owning footmen as usual…

"Grom, what the f--- was that?! How did the humans get here? How are you still alive? WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" asks or more likely, screams Thrall.

"Uh… I was killing humans, they got here on boat with some sadistic archmage named Proudmoose, the author got a favor from Death and that's how I winded up here" explains Grom. "Oh, thanks again Death, couldn't have made it without you!"

"No prob' man! Just die if you need any advice" says Death who then disappears in big things of… dead stuff… right…anyway, Thrall keeps asking.

"Let me guess, the humans blocked the path to that big cheesy mountain I obviously need to get to and I could easily go around them BUT because of the goddamned blizzard logic, I am going to have to butcher my way into them to get two zeps to transport 200 grunts and 150 raiders 750 miles north, am I right?"

"Uh… you lost me at "let", I was never good at thinking…"

"Just don't attack the humans"

"Okay"

0.05 seconds later…

"I CAN'T TAKE IT, MUST CHOP HUMANS!!!" screams Grom.

"Oh, _too bad_, I guess I'll have to resort to kill humans, that's _so _bad, I _sure wish_ it hadn't come to this…" says Thrall sarcastically. Then imitating Zhiang Jin guy from Dynasty Warriors. "For the way of peace! (chops enemy head off) WAY OF PEACE!"

17 minutes later…

"Alright, I got the zeppelins. With these, we'll be there by (checks watch) next month! Not to mention we'll be stimulating the local economy! (turns to camera) Goblin Airline, the safest passage is an explosive zeppelin away!" says Thrall.

"A true warrior would have just killed all the humans…"

"Grom?"

"Yes?"

"Shut the hell up, I'm the badass chieftain here, you're just the modified blademaster, I'm a whole new model!"

"Don't lecture me… It hurts my head!"

"See? You're so stupid you can't think clearly! This bloodlust is fun and all but Blizzard won't pay me if I let you come with me…" explains Thrall.

"Don't you feel it, Thrall? It's like those days on Brokeback mountain, we keep fighting! It's like… the demons are near!"

"Okay first, we never went to Brokeback mountain, that's a movie. Second, We're not gay. Third, what the hell do demons have to do with this? You're confused, go chop wood, it'll put your mind or whatever you have in there back in place…"

**Chapter 22: Part two: The spirits of Ashenvale…**

Night had fallen when Grom and his orcs started chopping trees and gathering lumber. One particular grunt got scared and talked to Grom…

"Sir, I'm scared, this place is too silent… I think there's spirits, or even worse, WISPS!" says the orc. "Normal units can't deal damage to spirits, we're doomed!"

"You wuss, there's no spirits here… It's all your imagination!"

"Sir, it means you die if you say that in a horror movie!"

"SHIT! Goodbye, Warcraft 4!" complains Grom. "Stupid Thrall making us do stupid lumbering in stupid forests haunted by stupid spirits…"

By this time, a lot of wisps have gathered… but no one seems to mind them, even if they can be seen and that they are enemies an all. Its amazing how stupid warcraft characters can be… Anyway, Grom happily explores the forest.

"Women, women are attacking us!" shouts a random raider.

"Is that a problem? Are you sexist or what? What should it matter that-" complains a troll.

"Look, I don't give a damn about it, will you just fight?!"

"… And hurt a woman? No way…"

"And I'M sexist?!" screams the raider. "JUST FIGHT DAMNIT!"

Meanwhile, near a goblin settlement…

"Heya, we got a sidequest for you!" says a happy little goblin.

"I don't have a choice do I? Okay then, what do you want?" answers Grom.

"There's these bear-men…"

"Oh, you're kidding me…"

"… and we want you to chop them down. You see, we went through Ireland…"

"KALIMDOR!"

"ALRIGHT, KALIMDOR DAMNIT!, and we saw all these half men creatures, from cows to fish, an now we're sick and tired of it. Go kill them" orders the goblin.

"Look, huh, I don't want to hurt wild animals, what did they do that's so bad?"

One of the smaller goblins turns to Grom. "One of them, Smokey his name, stole my picnic bag."

"And you want to eliminate a race because of that?"

"I'll give you 2 gold for it" offers the small goblin.

"'Kay sure"

A little while later…

"Hey, look! Hulk-look-alikes! Let's party with our new friends!" says Smokey the bear. "Good thing I just got a picnic bag!"

"This is the forest guard, you are under arrest for picnic stealing, put your hands in the air and you will not be harmed" announces a catapult with red and blue lights on it.

"Oh crap, the cops! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" screams Smokey, right before disappearing in a cloud of stolen picnic bags.

The forest cops finally cought up with Smokey a month later, and the picnic stealing bear was accused of several murders and breaking and entering. The trial lasted 2 and a half years and Smokey got away with it. Damn, he had a good lawyer…

Anyways, back to our lumbering hulks.

After countless seconds of very hard lumbering and some tree of life chopping, they finally hit the quota of wood. Needless to say the shredders were very useful… no not for wood, Grom was smart enough to use Greedisgood 1000000.

**Next Chapter: The blood of Mannoroth… that's… just… sick…**


	23. Halloween special

**Chapter 23: Halloween Special!**

It was a happy time of year, an extraordinary time when all the Warcraft characters came together and forgot they hated themselves. Yes, it was Chirst- I mean, Halloween. And so all the IMPORTANT characters came together at the house of Blizzard, costumed and ready to go trick or treating… Oh, no wait, that's too sissy… Ok, to scare the hell out of everyone.

"Excuse me author, but Halloween is passed… a while ago actually…" points out Frostmourne, disguised as a veiled woman. "IT'S A GHOST ASSHOLE!"

"Terribly sorry… Anyway, I got the idea on Halloween, can't blame me for being late…"

DING DONG!

The author walks over to the door and opens, out come Thrall, dressed with an eye patch and wooden leg for his wolf (who by the way really lost his leg on Halloween, watch out for the kids in the streets people!) and Grom who is dressed like a woman (well, as much as an orc can look like a woman)… I can't tell you about it much; it's an insult to the women around the world…

"Hey, guys, welcome over! Thrall, sweet costume and Grom… nice… earring…" greets the author. "Feel free to help yourself, the food is over there on the table"

"Help myself? Thrall, you hear that? WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT!" screams Grom.

"AWESOME!" answers Thrall.

The two idiots then jump in the punch bowl and start tearing away at all the food.

"…losers…" complains the author.

DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG!

"Freakin' spammers…"

The author quickly goes to answer the door, and it's Kel'Thuzad, the lich who's dressed as a princess… Seriously, all those scary robe things are gone and replaced by a dress… the crown thingy was replaced by a tiara and that frosty glow? Forget about it, it's more of a perfume then anything else.

"Okay, Kel' I thought Greenpeace was enough, but THIS?!" asks Frostmourne.

"Frostmourne, I'm a lich, how the hell can I look scarier then I am? Besides, I wanted a change so I brought some resuscitated skellies, I hope you don't mind the waste they drop, author?" says Kel'Thuzad.

"Um… yeah, I do actually… come in anyway…"

About a half an hour passes, and it is kind of boring with only a gay-emo sword, two idiotic orcs and a sissy lich. Where's Arthas when you need him?!

DING DONG!

Yep, it's Arthas and Jaina, only Arthas is human and Jaina is undead…

"What the hell?!"

"Well, I thought it'd be nice to be and undead for a while so I switched with Arthas!" answers Jaina.

"And I look scarier as a human then an undead actually…" says Arthas.

"You can't just- never mind, we can go egg people's houses now-"

DING DONG!

Everybody is asking themselves who it could be? Will it be a murderer? A forgotten character? Jehovah people? The author opens the door and out come…

"Hey, look people, its Archimonde! And he's dressed like a giant pumpkin! He's so cuuuute!" shouts Jaina. "And there's Tichondrius and Mannoroth too… What are you dressed in anyway?"

"I'm a vampire, duh!" answers Tichondrius.

"I'm… fat albert…" answers Mannoroth.

And with those two joyous people, the happy party ruined everyone's Halloween, by driving on the wrong side of the road, egging houses, stealing candy, egging more stuff and etcetera!


	24. Mannoroth's blood

**Chapter 24: Fat Albert's blood… C positive by the way.**

One happy morning in Ashenvale, the bear-men were running wild and the pigs were resting silently and peacefully. In other words, nobody could have guessed this was the morning they'd all get owned by two demons. Tichondrius and Mannoroth, still drunk from the Halloween party, randomly teleported in a clearing, with a MAGIC fountain in the center.

"Hmmm, if I remember well, which I don't, this is the lair of Cenarius. That tree humper was quite a challenge to fight…" says Mannoroth.

"Yep, we're just here to cause trouble for the community and stuff. Cenarius is a wuss, he never comes out in the open and hides behind his pimped up divine armor. As impossible as it sounds, your stupid, incompetent orcs chopped down a tree and made him mad. The tree humper news- I mean, Elune Weekly say he'll be making a special concert to save the forest of Ashenvale" informs Tichondrius.

"The orcs wouldn't stand a chance against his singing, especially not that "raindrops keep falling on my head" song, even they don't deserve such a bad treatment…"

"You know that blood pact you made with them about 4000 years ago?"

"Not really, I forgot a lot of things that were 4000 years ago…"

"Anyway, you just have to dump some blood in the fountain and they'll be badass again!"

"That's just sick I'm not dumping my blood in there!"

Tichondrius then takes out a giant axe and starts chopping a away at Mannoroth, who is so fat it takes a few chops to get to the blood. Eventually, drops of blood wind up in the fountain after Mannoroth hit his nose against a rock and bled from there.

"MUAHAHAHAHsniffAHAHAHAHA!" laughs Mannoroth maniacally in a dark shadow stuff…

**Chapter 24: Part two: LOLZ WE GETTING OWNED!**

"chop" went the peons' happy pickaxes, axing away at the wood, when suddenly, a giant Godzilla-sized horse-night-elf jumped out of the wood and killed everyone.

As you can imagine, Grom and everybody else had no idea what to do, so they just waited.

And waited…

And waited…

And waited…

And finally, when everything but the main base was completely destroyed, the forest grew back and the orcs finally moved.

"Sir, we lost contact with Houston base, we're losing, bad!" says a stressed peon.

"We have a Houston base? Why'd we call it that? Wait, never mind-" Grom was interrupted by a troll priest running to him.

"Sir, we discovered something big dark and scary in the north of here, since I used the adjective "big" I suggest we go find it and use it to get rich and destroy Cenarius!" informs the troll.

Has anyone noticed, no one answers that in the mission? Or that the voice acting in this part is horribly limited? Or that once Cenarius brings up trees he doesn't attack anymore? Or that getting to the well is way too easy? Speaking of the well…

"Stop, foul orcs, the demon masters put us here to protect the chaos well, you shall not pass!" says a satyr guard.

"Haven't you realised? The game devs put you here so you wouldn't let anyone but us come, not stop us from getting it! Why would they put you up to foil their own stupid plan?!" says Grom.

"Oh, god, satyr brain… overflowing… must… push reset button… OVERLOAD CRITICAL ERROR, WINDOWS 95 MUST SHUT DOWN MICROSOFT THANKS YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND SENDS YOU ITS DEEPEST APOLOGIES (bzzz… crack… bzzz)!" screams the satyr before exploding himself and all the other guards because he only had Windows 95. See? Windows 95 IS dangerous!

"Mon, this be the place we were sensin' from da camp! Be careful though I sense big demon- DON'T DRINK IT YOU MORON!" screams the witch doctor seeing Grom taking a drink from the red fountain.

"Yes, I feel powerful! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouts Grom Hellcream, right before growing to be a 50 foot tall red skinned Godzilla-hulk mix and stomping his way to Cenarius.

The troops watch the chief with wide eyes when suddenly…

"You think you can defeat me that way?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screams Cenarius, also turning into a 50-foot tall Godzilla-monster.

The two giants ram into each other, creating a shockwave that eliminates everything in a 3000 mile radius and pushes the Earth slightly to the left. Each kick takes away part of the planet and sends it into space and each punch destroys a colony on an unknown planet. The fight lasts about two minutes, long enough for the game devs to use all the special effects they never put into Warcraft because of its more then shaky graphic engine.

Some time later…

With Cenarius' huge corpse lying down and Grom returned to normal, Mannoroth finally finds the courage to approach them.

"Hey, dudes!"

"Mannoroth, It… can't be!" says Grom.

"Why the hell not? Come back to the IRS, we have a place for you to break stuff! There's just one rule though: never ever do that again" invites Mannoroth.

"But-"

"No buts, no Godzilla crossovers ever gain! Now come, we have stuff to kill/destroy/traumatize"

**Next: Jurassic Park**


	25. Jurassic Park

**Chapter 25: Jurassic Park**

While Grom was busy punching in Cenarius' face in…

A goblin zeppelin was flying around, fro some reason. But no one could ever have guessed there was a spying orc in it, mostly since units don't appear in the baskets, and it was, even though it's impossible, a raider, on a wolf, in a flying zeppelin.

So the zep keeps spying on the humans when suddenly, it gets attacked by… PTERODACTILS! (The chapter IS called Jurassic Park, you know).

"MAYDAY, MAYDAY! OUR ZEPPELIN IS BEING ATTACKED BY AN UNKNOWN CUSTOM MODEL! I'LL CRASH LAND IN THE CAMP!" screams the raider into the walkie-talkie, even though he has no idea what the hell it is. The zeppelin crashes near a fortress in ridiculously large explosions, probably due to the fact that a zeppelin is made of HIGHLY INFLAMMABLE GAS.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The raider comes out of the burning wreckage while some random panicking reporter keeps screaming: "THE HUMANITY! THE HINDENBURG… IT'S IN FLAMES- OH THE HUMANITY!"

"…right… anyway, Warchief Thrall, we noticed there were humans guarding an entrance to a cave!" informs the raider.

"Geez, what a waste of typing space, I guessed that, the author gave me another logic then Blizzard's! What could they be doing there, if they wanted to get owned by us in a ridiculous yet bloody and costly fight, they had a lot of opportunities…" answers Thrall.

Suddenly, Cairne Bloodhoof steps in the camp.

"Cairne, what the hell are you doing here? Weren't you eating grass somewhere on a farm in Texas?"

"At first I didn't want to come you know, but then I realised this might be a great opportunity to see you killed by traps in a dungeon! So I just had to come! Other then that, the taurens are the coolest thing that ever happened to the orcs, we couldn't leave you with your wimpy grunts and trolls!" says Cairne. "Besides, I'm always paid handsomely by my sponsors to crack a joke or two: Grandmother cow-woman's fresh cow milk, a good source of calcium for any young tauren!"

"Your race is so horrible… you base yourself on COWS?!" complains Thrall.

"HAIL THE SACRED COW-LORD!" screams the tauren chieftain into the air.

A giant golden spirit bovine drops from the sky and smites Thrall with its holy hooves, then raises back to cow heaven.

"Wow… god is a cow… who knew?!"

After a few more minutes of arguing and needless violence…

"… Putting aside the fact your cows are inferior bovines, we noticed pink-skins in the region…" says Cairne.

"Those pink-skins are called humans, though I admit the pink-skin idea is pretty funny, and they're our enemies from Lollyron… I say we slaughter them now and ask questions later!" suggests Thrall.

"There are pterodactyls to the north of here. If I remember my movies right, they love chopping pink-skins to pieces in bloody special effects or leaving them to the T-Rex… I say we forget about them and move on with the story!"

"GOOD IDEA!" screams the horde of avid Warcraft fans.

30 minutes later…

After totally owning what blizzard dares call a human base, Thrall and Cairne stop to watch the living troops flee into the cave… then they follow them. What else? Just because it's a cinematic, doesn't mean characters have to talk, you know. Well… okay, most of the time that's what happens, but this time there really was nothing to say. The only thing that was interesting (and that you probably missed) was the giant Donkey Kong throwing barrels at an Italian plumber in flashy red clothes.

**Next Chapter: The Oracle (not the matrix black woman, the rambling prophet from Chapter 1!)**


	26. TEH ORACLE!

**Chapter 26: Clichéd Dungeon mission**

Cairne Bloodhoof and Thrall had stopped before a dividing path…

"The path sets off in different directions…" says Cairne.

"Well, geez, that was so freaking obvious! This is so cliché! I suppose we split up now?!" complains Thrall. "Don't answer that, Cairne, Blizzard isn't smart enough to think of better more original situations…"

"So are we splitting up?"

"You do know either of these paths could stretch for miles and miles?"

"No way, Blizzard can't be bothered to make a decent working cluster rockets, they can't be bothered to make miles of terrain…" says Cairne.

So the troops split up: Over-powerful Taurens on one side and Human-owning Orcs on the other, and start following the path which is obviously filled with traps, weak cliché creeps and easy unoriginal quests.

"Good luck then, I hope you die of some underground mad cow disease!" says Thrall, leaving the chieftain.

NOTICE: Thrall's Far sight spell isn't available underground! Not that'd you care though; it's a crappy spell anyway.

So they fight through lots of underground creatures, like oversized rats, walking skeletons and fire breathing lizards. Well, they also fought a few interesting enemies like mole people and the hidden society of Covenant hating Heretics, which were too busy fighting another alien named Arbiter to fight them… So they keep fighting until they get to a statue. The statue messes with Thrall and makes him talk in a tree-humping elf's voice.

"I am Azsune, ancient queen of the tree-humping children, none may pass until they find my heart!" says Thrall.

"Holy crap, HE'S HEARING VOICES AGAIN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" screams the hyperactive troll.

Thrall then shakes his head and starts talking normally. "The statue has demanded its heart and it will let us pass! Listen, big badass statue, let us pass or you find where your heart is supposed to be placed!"

The statue messes with Thrall's head again…

"Oh, look at me, I'm Thrall, smartass chieftain of the orcs! I spend my ENTIRE LIFE on a wolf and never have to use the toilet! I'm so badass I can ZAP STUFF!" screams Thrall in Azsune's voice. "(returning to normal) FINE! We'll find your goddamned heart… fuck--- statue… (Azsune's voice) I heard that! (normal voice) GO TO HELL BITCH!!! (Azsune's voice) I already am in hell asshole!"

Anyways, moving on from this very disturbing scene… After getting back the heart from harpies (special UNDERGROUND harpies) stealing some poor red dragon (special UNDERGROUND dragon (wtf? Flying units underground)), they finally bring back the heart to the bitchy statue…

"FINALLY! Took you long enough!" says the statue, taking its heart and placing it on her hand.

"You know I read the description of the item for once, and it says you have to search for it every day because it get stolen all the time… try putting it where your heart should really go, not in your hands…" points out Thrall.

"Holy… wow, never thought about it that way… Thanks, smartass warchief!" thanks the statue.

Thrall turns around. "Wow, a lava pit. That was worth destroying the barrier..."

"Mon, hopefully, Cairne will find a way to make a bridge appear here…" says the witch doctor.

BAM! Goes the door behind them, revealing Cairne and his cattle.

"AH! The spectral bridge of… yeah a bridge, the path to the oracle is revealed!" says Cairne.

(long silence)

"Anytime now…"

(REALLY long silence)

"Oh you're kidding me… OPEN THE DAMNED BIRDGE!" screams the tauren chief. The bridge magically pops out of existence and the troops walk to the other side, when they get surprised by Jaina!

"Orcs! I knew we were being followed! Defend yourselves!" orders Jaina.

"STOP!" says DA PROPHET, appearing in cheesy music and effects. "There shall be no violence here!"

"What is this? A church?! HEY' you're the crazed prophet from chapter 1! YOU TRICKED US!" points out Thrall. "Archmage, lets pwn the bastard!"

"Hell yeah!"

"HA! I'm invulnerable! Anyways, now that I've VERY cleverly lured you here, I can tell you of your crappy destiny!" says DA PROPHET. "Thrall, this is Jaina Proudmoose, leader of the survivors of lollyron… they've been obliterated by the Burning Legion and your friend Hellcream has already been hired by the IRS! You have to unite together the pwn the Legion!"

"Unite with them? Are you mad?" asks Jaina.

"Actually, yeah, after 10000 years your mind plays tricks on you… Anyway, you're gonna work together whether you like it or not!"

Cairne interrupts: "You know, with all the clichéd shit Blizzard was throwing at you, it should have been obvious you were going to unite, besides the 100-year-old hatred" points out the tauren.

"Shut up, stupid cow" says Jaina.

"GODDAMNIT, I'M NOT A—"

"Yeah, Cairne, shut the hell up" says DA PROPHET.

"(sigh)…"

**MEANWHILE….**

Contrarily to what people would think, Timmy wasn't seeking revenge. No, he was invited on Dr. Master Chief (Nothing to do with Dr. Phil whatsoever), hosted by me where I take heavy psychological issues and show it to the world.

"So, Timmy, what has the plasma pistol incident woken up in you?"

"\/Y 337 r3\ZY -45 R37R\3) \/\/0r53 7-3\ 3\/3R!" manages to blurt out the L337 F00tm4n.

"Uh, Timmy, no one understands things like that but me, so I'll translate with subtitles from now on…"

"0 4Y" says Timmy. He keeps talking and magic subtitles appear… "You know I was born with this, and its hard not being understood… And it takes much longer to say something while using letters and symbols you know… and now you shot and its back, and even though I don't hold grudges, it's really (**BLEEP**) pissing me off"

"I just realized, you're a freaking footman, no one cares… NEXT!"

So the footy gets rejected and is replaced by Varimathras, who is coming because he's the only one that survived the Expansion pack's massacre…

**NEXT TIME: SOMETHING**


End file.
